A quick hello...and a year in review

Well...as you can see (by my last post) I have been working and going to school. School is officially over for the semester and starts back in a little over a week...WOOHOOO!?! This next year (yes, I said year) will be the most difficult of my school career. I will be going to school for a full year and a half if you count next spring. Then I will graduate with a dual endorsement (Special Ed k-12 and Elementary Ed k-6 with a minor in Psychology). I will then start my Masters in Behavioral Sciences and Therapies. (Hopefully) I am planning on taking about 24 hours this summer as to hopefully get as much done as possible while I am off of work. Enough with school for now.

We had a great Christmas as did the kiddos. They got everything they wanted, which to be honest wasn't a whole lot. We are now ready for the new year to start.

As for the year in review:

We have had a pretty good year.

• We have a house that we love.
• I have a job that I love.
• With the exception of my CVS (which is being better controlled by meds) we are all in good health.
• We have great family and friends.
• We are moving right along with school.
• We have a lot to be thankful for!

Moving into the next year I hope that all of these continue to remain.

I am pondering many things and hopefully, when I get them all together in this little brain of mine, I will have the time to post them.

Happy New Year!

Friends and Family

As S and I were getting ready for some friends to come over last night (to watch the UFC fight), we had a brief discussion about our friends. Now, if you have read my blog you would have seen that most of my friends have never really been S's friends. however, I am usually friends with S's friends. Well, for almost 3 years S has talked about these friends from work and before we moved here I had only met 1 of them (and his family). Since moving here we have had almost monthly get togethers with all of the friends and theirs families (which have now become friends) and for the last couple of weekends we have done a weekly thing. I LOVE IT!!! I am such a social person anyways, and then to get to spend time with people that Shawn and I BOTH like is GREAT!!!

So, what brought me to this was a conversation that S and I had last night. He stated, "don't worry about (whatever it was) these are not just our friends but they are our close friends." what made that statement cool is that he never says that about friends...with the exception of a few that he still has contact with from high school....but you don't see them being invited over for parties and such...although one is fighting a war in another country, so I don't think he could make it anyways.

Then, while we were all siting there (I think the guys...or most of them...were in the kitchen or something) the comment got made that these are the people that have become like family. With the exception of Kim (S's sister) and her family *waving at Kim*, S has no other family that he is in contact with.

I think it is great to have friends that you feel comfortable with...people who don't really judge you, but aren't afraid to tell you what is up...only because they care.

Since moving we (S, I, and the kiddos) have made some really great friends...be it at work, through friends' families, or at school...it is GREAT having friends that you could also consider "family".

Funk!!!!!!

It is really weird to look at the last post and then what I am fixing to write about in this post.

I have been in a slight funk the last few days or so...probably because my head is swimming with EVERYTHING going on/fixing to go on.

Classes started back for me this last week and I have NO CLUE how things are going because I am so confused at the lack of information the professors have provided...just have to get used to the new school I guess. I am taking 13 hours and most of my classes are in the afternoons after work with the exception of one that is online.

S's classes start back today. A's soccer has started back. Soon, C's gymnastics will start. Birthday party invites have started trickling in and ...I can already feel the headache coming on thinking about how busy we are all going to be this fall.

Then, there is the house in Franklin. It sold for $14,000. WTH?!?!?! I know, we have had to just come to terms that we are now in debt on a home that we no longer own....but wait...it gets better. so, we talk to the bank and they state, "We have the right to refuse the bid/offer"...but you said that you wanted it sold....now it is. We go in next week to talk to them to figure out what to do. Meanwhile, we contact the realtor to let them know what is going on and he states that he needs to contact the buyer because they have ALREADY started working on the house. The bank hasn't even been notified by the realtor about the sale and we haven't signed the Deed yet. Isn't there a closing process that we have to go through? IDK, maybe I am wrong.

On to my next topic, we went to the local fair the other night and had a BLAST. I LOVE to watch the kiddos having such a great time! But, I have a question. Why are there so many girls/women, who are heavier, that flaunt what they shouldn't be flaunting? And why don't I have that much confidence? I am smaller than them and wouldn't be caught DEAD wearing what they wear...or how they wear it. S says that it is because they have a lot of self-confidence, but are they just not seeing what I see...and if that is the case...what am I seeing (when I look in the mirror)? Is it my clothing? my thought processes? WHAT IS IT?

I don't know...these are just the many things running (circles) around in my head.

Have a great day!

Where have I been?

Working, working , working...and I love every minute of it!

My job (though not the one that I will eventually end up doing) makes me feel complete. I wake up every morning looking forward to going to work. How many people can say that? Yes, I know it is a new job, and once the new wears off...blah, blah, blah. If the "new wears off" and I don't like it then I an in the wrong profession. Nothing with this job is the same everyday...but yet it is. There are the same people at work (whom I LOVE). The same kiddos in the class (whom I LOVE). The same school (which I LOVE). And while the routine is getting in place and it will mostly be the same...every day is new. Just like with life.

I sit here and look at where my mind was a year ago. The place I lived, the friends I kept, the church I attended, the job I held...and it makes me sad and mad to think about it all. Yes, there are times I miss Franklin...it was cute little town and I did make some really great friends. There are times when I miss my old Church (we went back a couple of weeks ago). Again, some really great friends, and I miss my choir family :( . But, it seems like everything I listed up there while things make me happy, those things also make me mad.

I have now moved on to a new school (because I Graduated from one), I decided that I wasn't going to allow people in my life that are fake...I have experienced enough of that, I have a job that doesn't feel like a job and I work with people that I love and feel like I can call friends (yes, they are 100% themselves all the time and in turn makes me a better me because I am myself all the time...they see my flaws and all...it doesn't matter to them because they see their flaws too.) Found a church were I can be me and not feel like I have to conform to whatever it is that "church people" conform to. I love to be social, but I am a lot happier knowing that this small group of friends that I do have are real, and I would rather have them than a large group of fake friends any day.

I am just over all 100% better, happier, loving, different (in a good way) than I was a year ago. Who knew moving would make that happen. I think in our house, we are all happier here than we ever where in Franklin.

*NOW TO BRAG*

My Children are the smartest, best, wonderful, loving, children that you will ever meet...and today I am bragging about how smart they are. At the end of last year they took the State Achievement tests. Well, we got their scores back and they BLEW them out of the water! C scored higher than A, but his scores were high too so it doesn't matter (except if you are an 8 yr old holding it over you older brothers head). I am SOOOOOOO PROUD of them. They are so smart, and they really proved that to everyone with these tests.

*sitting back down now*

Have a GREAT day!

My New Title

As of last Friday I started a new job...thus the new title. I am a Special Education Educational Assistant. I was SUPER excited about this job when I found out that I got...even before then the thought of the job made me excited. Well, now that I have started it, I am LOVING it.

I work with the GREATEST people and that fact alone makes the rumors of what could happen in the classroom makes it all worth while. I work with 2 other women. Now, we all know how 3 women couped up in a small space can be after about 8 hours, 5 days a week can be, but I think it is going to be the BEST year!

School starts in less than a week and all I can think is, "Where in the world did Summer go?" I had all these big plans and ideas that were to be completed and I wanted it to be a lazy kind of summer...but now it is gone.

That is okay though because Fall is right around the corner and I LOVE Fall! It is my favorite Season. The smell of cool mornings. The warm sweaters or long sleeve tees to keep you warm. The windows open and a nice, sometimes warm, sometimes cool breeze blowing through. Football on the TV (GO TITANS!). I can't wait! With Fall though Christmas isn't far behind...then there is all of the madness that follows that! (But I love that too!)

On the Update front...here are a few things:

*I am no longer watching my Niece and Nephew...they have home sitter...but it was planned to be this way from the beginning.
*We will no longer be having anything to do with my Father-in-law as the house he was renting/purchasing from us was trashed when we told him to get out. We are done...sad though that it had to come to that!
*We found out what my mystery illness is: Cyclic Vomiting Syndrome...look it up...crazy how everything matched. The Dr. I saw was awesome and he got it right after me only being in there for about 5 minutes. (BTW, if you are in the Nashville, TN area and are looking for a good G.I doc...Dr. Howard Mertz is GREAT...he was rated #1 by his peers in the Nashville area.)

Off to make my list for the day! Have a good one!

Tori Spelling and fake people

I have recently started a slight obsession with Tori Spelling. I watch her show and picked up 1 of her 2 books at the Library the other day. Now, I am not one for following stars and their everyday lives. I have never once watched any celebrity reality show until hers. Now, I think I am in love with her. Why? Well...here it goes.

When I watch the show I am constantly relieved that she is real...no matter if there is a a camera or not she appears to be herself all the time. I REALLY admire that in people. I know...I have often questioned am I me all the time...and this blog was meant to be the written out of the mental and physical acts that take me on my quest for self discovery. <-- That is NOT what I am talking about when I say being ones self.

In reading her book sTori Telling, I am amazed at how real she is and if further reiterates my feeling about people being themselves/real. She talks about her stupid mistakes and bad judgements. She pokes fun at her family and life in general. I feel like she is just about as real as it gets. And maybe, I can see some of me in her...or her in me...however that works out. Either way...I like her!

So...while recently discovering that being real is a quality that I desire in my friends, it made me reflect on those who I thought at one point or another were being themselves and later found out they were lying b****es. Yeah, kind of blunt, but I talking about keeping real.

I now that in certain circumstances we all take on diffrent personas. For example, I would bust out in church some of the language I might use while watching a UFC fight...but in both of those situations I am still me. I would, however, talk about the fight at church and church while watching the fight...if I wanted to. I guess I am relating the whole being fake to being two-faced. That is the best way to describe my feelings about people who portray one thing and then on another day portray something else.

As I have talked (written) before we have recently (in Dec. 08) moved from Franklin, KY. Franklin is a very Mayberry kind of town and I loved parts of it. When I started my blog I was still living there and was REALLY struggling with who I was...yes, it has gotten better...and here is why I think it has.

There was a very tight-knit group of women that I was involved with. We all went to the same church (that is how most of knew each other, while others had always lived there and they grew up together). We had monthly "Girls Nights In", we worked VBS and Sunday School together, we carpooled our kiddos to school, and just had a great time with each other. Then during or right before a retreat something changed. I don't know if it was that some new people had joined the group (which I was not opposed to, but they were not my style or I hadn't gotten the chance to really know them) or things were just in a normal mood of change, but things weren't right. Clique's started to break off (I am VERY anti-clique) and that is very normal as some liked doing things others didn't...the group got to be about 20-25 women.

This was also about the time where the true colors of some started to show. There were things that went on where best friends broke up while others began. Some were trying to fit in with the "popular (more well off $ wise, think they are better type)" while others were remaining who they were and were being seen as outcasts. It was freaking high school all over again! Stupid...I know. ANYWAYS... it was about that time that I started to re-evaluate those I was friends with and I why I was friends with them...2 GREAT friends emerged while the others seemed to become nothing more than acquaintances. Yeah...20-25 down to 2. Now that isn't to say there weren't some really great women in that group, but we were just different. I do, however, know that I could call on them and they would be there for me as best as possible.

So...this whole long story leads me to this... why are people so fake? Who are you trying to impress and why? My SIL (HI!) will tell you that I would be the first to tell you of a great purse find...not that it was a really Burberry and let you believe what you want, but that I got it at a yard sale for $2.50...yes, you read that right. I am trying to be me...stuff doesn't make me, people don't make me, money doesn't make...I make me. That doesn't mean I'm not constantly on a quest to find me, but (Kim are you reading) I think I am pretty darn awesome...if you don't like me...well...move on!

Fake people will find, in time, that they also have fake friends and lives. They will ultimately look back and see how unhappy they are. I don't want that! I want real people with real lives and real personalities. If you are real with me and I don't like it...I will either get over it or move on...and that is what I want people to do with me. DON'T change, DON'T conform....be you! Be who God made you to be...BUT if you aren't proud of who you are or too ashamed to let people see the real you...then is THAT who you really are?

Stop being fake!

Haircuts

Here are a few cuts that I like. I want my hair short...like a bob. The back needs to be flat...it can have layers,but I don't want poofiness (is that even a word?). It has to be easy in terms of fixing it. I don't mind a flat iron so that is cool with me if I have to use it a lot. I like the A-symmetrical cut where it is longer in the front and some volume on top in the back.

The idea here is I would like some input on what you think.

A.
Of course there is the Pickler haircut. SUPER cute.

B. This one is REALLY cute and it is very NOT messy...which fits my personality.

Very sleek, but may lay REALLY flat on my head and I DON'T like that.

C.

Every week we watch SYTYCD and Randi's hair is sooooo cute. When I see her I always say, "I LOVE her haircut", well here it is! Mine is kinda like it now...but not really. I like the front length as it lets you curl if you want or pin it back.

D. Hmmm...I like this one...REALLY cute, but I don't know how it would look with my face shape. I think it would require a blow out for the volume, but I like the volume.

What do you think? A, B, C, or D

Please feel free to comment if you like.

Long time...No write!

So...sorry to leave you all for so long. It has seemed that the last few weeks have been really crazy. Here is list of the things that have been happening:

*My hubby and I celebrate our 10 year Anniversary
*I have watched my niece and nephew for the last time
*We have had family and friends over for a get together
*I got accepted into the college I wanted
*Have filled out what seems like 100s of papers for various issues...FMLA, new doctors, school, work, etc.
*Taken care of my grandmother because my mom decided to get sick
*We got a puppy!

The list could go on, but I will stop boring you! :)

So...these things are upcoming:

*I start my new job in less than a week ****EXTREME EXCITEMENT****
*Doctors appointments...maybe he will figure out what is wrong with me...I actually have 2 appointments.
*My hubby and I's Birthdays are just around the corner (we will both be 30)
*My kiddos Birthdays are right around the corner too
*School officially starts August 3rd...where has the summer gone
*Auctioning off our house in Franklin...I really can't wait to be rid of that place!

To officially get this entry started let me stop listing stuff and get to the talking (writing) part of this thing.

With my new job and new school year starting I have a lot that needs to get done. I have to get the kiddos back on a regular schedule (and me too). I have to get all the clothing ready to make sure the kiddos have what they need...Goodwill here I come. I think we are pretty good on the school supplies thanks to Staples and their deals...oh that reminds me...I need to check their add for next week. I also need to get us all haircuts...hmm what should I do? I will maybe post some pics of what I might get done...C wants something new too. Have I mentioned I only have about 4 real days to get all of this done. Oh! and the kids still need new lunch boxes and C needs a new back pack.

I am super excited about my new job! I have met the people that I will be working with and I think this year is going to be great! :) I have all these dreams of what it will be like and I am also super excited that I will be making extra $ to help out with bills, savings, and just to have extra to spend on fun stuff!

I love my life! I have the best hubby and children...although they drive me CRAZY half the time. I am blessed to be doing what I LOVE to do...job wise. The rest of my family isn't too bad either. I have come to have some good friends...either old or new....and some that are trying but almost drive me crazy in the process...but you got to love them too!

We haven't been to Church much this summer....I have been sooooo lazy on that front...shame on me. :) Once school starts the habit will fall back in line...plus I know that the kiddos miss it...they have said so.

That is about all for now!

I'm off to find some haircuts I like. Have a good day! :)

Busy, Crazy Life!

I feel as though I have neglected you...my blog...over the last week or so. Not that I haven't wanted to sit down and write my thoughts, moods, life, etc. but that I REALLY haven't had a spare moment! So, I shall begin with a quick update!

First...I got a job! Doing the thing I love the most with what I have at the moment. I am going to be a Special Education Educational Assistant! YAY! :) Being that I wan to be a Special Education Teacher, this is the perfect job for me until I get my degree. It is even in the type of Special Education that I want to work in...yes, there are different types.

Second, family life has been SOOOOOOO crazy. I love it, I just have NOOO time! I am sure you all know how that feels!

Third, Has anyone been bathing suit shopping lately?! IT SUCKS!!!! I am not exactly a size 2 and God gave me this things on my chest that aren't flat...so that means that bathing suit shopping is not going to be good! However, I had spent SEVERAL hours looking/ trying on suits and was given a reality check at how my body looks. Oh! It was not pretty! I was ready to cry! BUT! and there is a but! I ended up finding the PERFECT suit! It is a tankini with skirt bottoms. It fits me where it needs to and makes things not look so bad. Best part about the suit is that it started off at $100 and I got it for $32 w/tax. YAY!!!! However, the fact that I have boobs is always going to cause me issues. (I HATE THAT!!)

So, now that is all up to date... I have a question: Does a woman ever become completely satisfied with her body? And if so, how does that happen? I mean I have curves and don't necessarily hate them, I am just not as toned as I would like. I know exercise will help, but that would require me having the time and wanting to move during that time. I am not a "big" person (I am only a size 10) but I have been cursed (yes I said cursed) with boobs...and they ALWAYS seem to be an issue! They seem proportionate to my body sometimes and other times it is like I am carrying two huge boulders on my chest! WTH?

That is all for now as I contemplate what we will be doing this weekend! Have a good one! :)

Moody Monday!

Now that the weekend is over...reality has come back into play! I woke up in a pissy mood and am feeling VERY sad. I have no idea why!

I know I am not the only one who has those days!?!?

The morning started out slow as my niece and nephew aren't here yet (due to a doctors appt). C is getting her tutoring session right now and A is still chilling in the bed. S is at work (where I am sure he is having a GREAT time *note sarcasm*).

However, while some areas are slow...my mind is racing with worry and to dos!

We still own a house where we used to live and my FIL is the one renting it from us...but he hasn't paid us in 2 months *insert excuse as to why is hasn't been paid*...so needless to say our bank is thinking foreclosure. And the bad part is that he is on a rent-to-own agreement with us for the house...so advice is needed here on all of this. I already called about an eviction and that is the next step, but I hate going through all of this!

Then I worry about what is going to happen next with the house and I have bills that I need to get paid today. So, I guess that is where my moodiness is coming from.

Is it ever okay to just explode sometimes? Cause that is something I feel like I need to do...right about now!

Maybe it will get better as the day goes on...maybe I will hear some good news today...about something...anything!

Wild Weekend

Well...I had hoped to get a lot of stuff done on Friday so I would have nothing to do but a quick clean up and get ready on Saturday morning. THAT did not happen.

Then Saturday rolled around and I had a massive cleaning to do and get ready before some of the peeps showed up around 1. Only half of that happened. I got up around 5 and started cleaning and cooking stuff. My vacuum broke and I fiddled with that for a while. Then about 8:30 I went to the grocery stores and my mom called to say that she wanted me to bring my kiddos over to her house by 10...ummm we'll see cause I was grocery shopping at the time and they were still asleep when I left. So...I arrive home at about 10:15 and get the kiddos ready...it was about 11 when we finally got to my moms house.

Once back home there were still things I needed to get done and I was still unshowered for the day. My SIL and BIL arrived around 12:30 or so and I needed to still take the trash. So once they arrived we left and took it and then when we got back people had already arrived. GREAT! I was still unshowered!

FINALLY...I get showered and ready...all while my guests wait in the living room. Once I was mostly dressed I invited the girlies back to chat while I finished getting ready. We had some fun chit-chat and girl time.

We all then ran to the store to finish some quick shopping for beer and other stuff.

The Party was officially started! I had a BLAST! Drank too much (for me...I am a lightweight though) and ate too little (2 hamburgers all day)...which eventually left me sick after everyone left. I spent time with great friends and family...even made some new friends. There really wasn't any down side to the night. I was just going to have a good time and not worry about anything! And I didn't!

Then on Sunday we got up and went and ate breakfast. We then headed out to my mom's boat for a fun-filled day out on the pontoon where we swam and tubed! I laid out and didn't worry about anything...for the second day in a row! I like that feeling! Although, I am sun-burned!

So, to re-cap...the weekend was fun and relaxing!

Nervousness...not needed

As a follow-up to my last post...The lump is still there...DUH! He was finally able to pull it up on the ultrasound and that is good because now he can see it. He wants me to come back again in 3 months and if it is still there then he will biopsy it.

So, now I can get back to the preparation for the PAR-TAY!

Nervousness

Well, yesterday's high is followed by today's nervousness. I have doctor's appointment today and all of the fears of what he could say are now haunting me.

This is no regular appointment. It is a follow up to an appointment from 3 months ago. It is with a breast specialist about a lump I found. His thoughts (and my hopes) were that the lump I found in my right breast was just hormonal and would go away when my monthly cycle passed...Well, 3 months later it is still here...slightly bigger and more jagged.

This lump is kind of weird...it didn't show on a mamo or ultrasound, but I made sure I let everyone feel my breast to reassure that I wasn't going crazy...It is definitely there. When the doc looked at it, he had some concern, but it was more about how it would be removed as you cannot see it with medical equipment (It is because, if I am doing it or it involves me, it is going to be weird and messed up..LOL!) He went over 3 scenarios with the hubby and I.

1) Removal guided by medical instruments (mammo or ultrasound) -but since it can't be seen he ruled it out.

2) Self guided removal- he would place his hand on the lump and go in and remove it that way. -Again he ruled it out as he hasn't SEEN it and doesn't want to chance anything.

3)Excision- this was the option he said we would have to go with, but he doesn't want to do that as it is MAJOR surgery and would require LOTS of recovery time (and who has time anymore?)

SOOOOOOO, now we are to the reason I am nervous...well...because the lump ISN'T gone like he thought it would be and has, in fact, gotten larger (slightly) and has changed in shape. So, will he say, "Oh, well it needs to be removed and option 3 is what we are going with". Or is he going to try and run more tests? I am okay with the tests though!

On a positive note, I have NO family history of breast cancer (or really any cancer for that matter). I am also young and for the most part (until recently) relatively healthy.

Maybe this will show (whether good or bad) why my body has been doing weird things for the last couple of years...that is for another post.

Another big fear is for my daughter. She already has to worry about Ovarian Cancer because that is what her Nana had, and I don't want her to have to worry about this too (if it were cancer). With both cancers being from the same genetic mutation, if I had it there would be almost a 100% chance of her getting one or both of the cancers.

And then to top it all off...my hubby most likely won't be able to make it to the appt...STUPID WORK! My mom wants to go with me (which is great...LOOOONG story...yes I have mom issues), but she really feeds on drama to a point. When I went and had my test run before my SIL came with and she kept me positive and didn't let me think bad thoughts...she is actually my babysitter today (Thanks!)...so I won't have her wittiness with me...but I am sure we will be texting! The reason my mom is going instead of SIL is due to the fact that my mom kind of laid a THICK guilt trip about SIL going last time and not her.

So, it a LOOONG drawn out post I have now laid my thoughts about the doctors appointment today! On the plus side of things, I have a (second) job interview tomorrow and when she called it was just to say when, where, what time, with who, and that it is very casual. *excited*

AND, if I do have to have surgery...ALL of my medical deductibles are already met due to another surgery earlier this year! WOOOHOOO! Come on...that is something to be excited about!

PAR-TAY

This weekend we are having a party. We are having this party for many reasons...my graduation, house-warming, and summer fun with friends and family. I am SUPER excited about this party. Why? you might ask. Well...if you have read anything that I have previously posted, you will see that I have a constant struggle with who I am...DUH! that is what this whole blog is about. This party is a joining of all the versions of who I am and who I want to be.

There will be the friends I have known almost my whole life and who know me probably better than I know myself. Then, there will be my "Franklin Friends" who only saw me in the mother/"good Christian woman" role. Next, there is my family...some who know me for me and love me that way (you know who you are :) ) and some family who want to see my flaws and call them out to make themselves better (kiss my ass). Then there is my hubby and "his" friends...they have become my friends too.

SOOOOO, this is kind of a "mix it all together and see what you get" party...that is why I am excited. I am going to be ME! YAY! I am going to have some drinks and food and PAR-TAY with those who love me for me...and if they don't...well...it sucks, but then that would mean they didn't love ME to begin with!

However, it is also a little scary as I hope that people will see that I am just me and not think that I was trying to be something at one point in time or another that I'm not. I am just trying to be me!

Hmmmm...this has inspired me to write a "Who I Am" list and see what pops up! Random...I know!

Tired...

On a side note...

I have started watching my niece and nephew. It is only for the summer...to save my sister some money on Daycare and to help me out durig the summer since I wouldn't have been working.

My nephew is only 9 weeks old. He is soooo sweet and beautiful! My niece is 5 and will start Kindergarten in the fall. She is so smart and funny!

However, I have been so worn out since I started watching my nephew (niece just started this week). Things seem to be getting busier. After tomorrow my kiddos will also be home.

I have made out a weekly schedule and a daily one. I have also made menus for breakfast, lunch, and snack. I have also planned a daily school lesson to help them retain what they learned from school. Yes, it is the teacher coming out in me...maybe a little of a control issue also...LOL!

Anyway, I forgot what it is like having a baby around. He is great...no complaints, but they are just VERY needy. For that reason...I am very, VERY tired!

30 Will Be My Year!

I will turn 30 this year and have often thought that my struggls with "who I am" where related to the fact that I am no longer a young "20 something" and not quite a 30 something. But, this weekend I was given a revelation..."30 will be your year". I know that doesn't sound like much, but now I am excited...it is almost as if I have a chance to begin being something more than a label...mom, wife, student, teacher...what about the label of being ME? Why do we need labels anyways?

As I sat and pondered with my SIL (she is the one who handed me my revelation), I was really unrolling what was floating around in my head. I am now kind of saying how I feel (in certain circumstances of course as I would NEVER want to hurt anyone), but then as I sat there I was faced with the fact that I have allowed myself to be invisible to everyone. While I stand up for myself, I have allowed people to disrespect me. Why? Heck, I have no clue. To be honest, there are only a few people that I truly trust to never hurt me...I know never is a strong word, but I am sure you get the point.

I have family members that would be so pleased to make me feel less than them...is it because they are jealous? I have never looked at it that way. Is it because I have placed them at a higher value than I place myself... DING DING DING. So, if I recognize that then why do I continue to let them so those things. Most likely because I don't want to turn into them.

It really does feel like I am free to be me. I want to be me...30 will be my year. Although, I am not waiting on it to get here because I am not wasting one more day of who I am to make someone else happy!

Randomness

My head is full of realizations and complete randomness right now. I think I finally figured out what this struggle in my head is about. It is trying to fit my ideals of what a certain image is supposed to look like. For example:

The perfect mom is supposed to be put together at all times and "have it together".
The late 20-something/early 30-something woman is supposed to be fun and living life to the fullest but with the "utmost maturity".
The perfect wife has dinner ready when hubby comes home, the kiddos bathed, and the house clean all the time.
The Best Christian is not supposed to cuss, drink, think dirty thoughts, or be outside of a box.

Now obviously I can never be perfect, but where do I fit into all of this. I know I can't be the only woman/person that struggles with these issues.

I have never been secure in myself...for whatever reason. But I see these women and I think I would like to be that way or this way. I know, that is them and not me...the point is I want that little piece I see.

I would LOVE to be a fashionista with the most perfect kiddos and husband, the nice big house with not a care in world...who has that...no one. I realize that. I just want to be secure in who I am, but I need to figure out who that is and what that means. How to I gather the little pieces from each of these situations above and place them within me and be happy with that person?

Oh, I would also love to be about 20 lbs lighter...but we can all have dreams...LOL.

I feel like I am complaining, but I promise I'm not. I am content with my life, just not with me.

I want the friends that I can sit down and joke with, or have a glass of wine (or any other drink), maybe go out to dinner with or a club if that is what we feel like doing. Not out partying, but just being comfortable with who we are and what we are doing. I get tired of people who are fake...but I am not the same way...to an extent. There are maybe 2 people that I have known in my whole life that know the real me...again the layers peel off as I get to know someone. Funny things is that I am not ashamed (anymore) of the things from my past (I thank God for the trials and triumphs), so I don't have a hard time talking to anyone about them. My issue is those are the things that I am comfortable discussing...it is the inside stuff...the feelings that I have issues with showing.

Then there is the whole getting walked all over thing...yes...I know it is happening when it happens...I am just allowing it. Why? Because it puts me in a place of control...the other person thinks I don't have a clue, when all the while I know exactly what is going on. funny...maybe this all boils down to control. I mean I know I have issues with control, but I never realized until recently how much I NEED to be in control!

Anyways...enough rambling tonight. Maybe more tomorrow. :) I promise I am not insane...just trying to figure out this crazy life one day at a time! Night!

Who Am I?

As I sat here and figured out that I wanted to blog more and then made my blog look all *pretty*, I was reminded of many things that humans face. Things that we most likely choose to do or place ourselves in certain circumstances for "xyz". For example, I know that I constantly place outrageous expectations on myself, but why? Who am I trying to impress...cause in all honesty the only people that matter are Shawn and the kiddos.

Then it causes me to want to look deeper within myself to find out who I am and try to separate me from being mom and wife....I know...they are all the same person, but are they? I was me first then a wife, then a mom. Then it is a struggle within about specific situations...cussing, drinking, certain friends, movies, music, etc.

Who am I trying to impress? What for? Why?

Like I have stated on here before there are many things I like and don't like...often they don't fall into the typical mom/wife/*christian* role. Who set up what the standards are? Why do they get to say so?

I realize that based off of the profession I have chosen that certain behaviors aren't acceptable in the classroom or even public where I would be seen as an example and role model. Teachers aren't exactly supposed to be covered in tattoos or have weirdly colored hair, but there are many other ways to express who I am without being over the top. Tattoos can be placed in unseen places, hair can be dyed within reasonable parameters.

I guess I am the girl/woman that seems one way on the outside but as you get to know me I let layers peel away and reveal that I am a rock/punk music lover, with at desire to have a drink every now and then. I am someone who likes to be different to a point. I have to fully understand a subject to grasp it. I wanna be high-maintenance without all the fuss. I am a mix of elegance and class with punk and out of control. I like girly things, but don't mind getting dirty ;p!

The music I listen to is contemporary Christian. It fills me up when I need it and there are so many genres of music within in that title that I hear everything from gospel to punk rock and rap. One of my favorite musicians right now is Francesca Battistelli. She is amazing nad her songs teach me life lessons. Here is a song that goes with how I am feeling right now:

Free To Be Me

At twenty years of age
I'm still looking for a dream
A war is already waged for my destiny
But You've already won the battle
And You've got great plans for me
Though I can't always see, 'cause...

I got a couple dents in my fender
Got a couple rips in my jeans
Try to fit the pieces together
But perfection is my enemy
And on my own I'm so clumsy
But on Your shoulders I can see
I'm free to be me

When I was just a girl
I thought I had it figured out
See my life will turn out right
And I'll make it here somehow
But things don't always come that easy
And sometimes I would doubt, 'cause...

And you're free to be you

Sometimes I believe
That I can do anything
Yet other times I think
I've got nothing good to bring
But You look at my heart and you tell me
That I've got all You seek
And it's easy to believe, even though...

And you're free to be you

Summer, Summer, Summertime!

In the last several weeks I have found myself quite bored. Now that I have graduated (at least from the 2 year college) this is the first time in 2 years that I haven't had school work to do. due to that fact, I have been quite bored...even to the point of taking up reading! With Summer right around the corner I am faced with many realities:

1. My son will soon be entering into the double-digits in terms of his age.
2. I am at least half way though my college career.
3. My hubby and I will have our 10 years anniversary in July.
4. My hubby and I will both be 30 in September.
5. I am convinced that bathing suits weren't made for people who have had children...LOL!

This summer I am babysitting my niece (5) and nephew (8 weeks old). This is very exciting for me! I have already made out a weekly schedule and daily routine, along with daily menus! WOOOHOOO!!! I am ahead of the game! Now, obviously, my nephew won't be partaking in any of the events.

I actually look forward to my kiddos being out of school! I love sleeping late and getting to do absolutely nothing...as much as possible!

Bring in the sun! I am ready for Summer!

Challenges

I decided the best way to change anything is to create a challenge and then see if I can meet the challenge...maybe I should just call it a goal. So, now I will set out to accomplish one challenge a week.

Challenge/Goal #1

More self Confidence!


How am I supposed to accomplish that? I have no idea!

Just better self talk?
Better self thoughts?
Make myself see me the way that others see me?

I mean I am not ugly, I have a good personality, and I am worth feeling better for!

Okay...end of my little pep talk.

Does the searching ever end?

I often find myself wondering if the journey to finding ones self ever ends. I guess at one time I knew who I was and then life changed, and I took on the role that was needed and then the cycle began. So, do you ever really know who you are? If so, how do figure that out?

Here I am, 2 in the morning, can't sleep, and pondering these questions.

I often question where that girl went that was so strong and independent. The one who made up her mind about something and went full force without hesitation. The one who knew what made her happy and sad. The girl who took charge and tried her hardest to make a difference...if but for no one other than herself.Where did she go? Is she still here?

While watching the movie Hope Floats tonight, "Berdie" pondered much of the same questions. I know I am strong...I think? I think I have taken on the role of who others want me to be and lost myself in the process. It sucks! I mean, I love being a wife and mom...I wouldn't trade it for the world! But, how can I expect to give them all of me if I have NO IDEA who that is.

I could sit here and cry...where did I go? Who am I now? Who was I before? Before what?

I feel like I am caught in between being young and being the "mommy and wife"...if that makes any sense. I want to be who I am, but I want to be wanted by my husband...and to tell the truth...my husband likes the young me better...dying my hair every weird color out there, body piercings, "cool". And while I like those things I also think there is a time to move past some of that...or maybe there is just a time and a place and I never have the time or the place.

I see all these tv shows about women in their late 20's early 30's living it up and having a great time...I wan to be that girl...but how? How do I be her and me at the same time? What if my husband doesn't love the "real" me...then what?

So, does the searching ever end? How does it even begin?

Ch, ch, changes....

Life has really changed since the last time I blogged... dang I need to get better at this thing!

We have move! Now, I know that doesn't seem like life has really changed, but man it has. Everything changed when we moved. Not only did we move to another city (I guess it would be my home town) all of our schedules changed... I am waiting to hear about subbing...which obviously means that I am not working right now...just school. The kiddos school schedule changed as they now start school an hour earlier than they did, which then in turn changes bedtime and those routines. Shawn is about 1/2 hour closer to work so I know he loves that.

As for school...I am in my last semester at Vol State and then on to trying to get into a Teacher Ed program. This semester has by FAR been the roughest. I will be glad when it is done!

Now, with all of the updates done...what to talk about?

Well, I have recently hit a bit of a bump in my marriage, but they happen and all wil be fine. Although, it has really awakened me to a lot of things.

With moving I have had to find another church. I had many thoughts on this subject. What kind of church did I want to go to? Did I want it to be a Baptist church or non-denominational? How many people? What kind of music program? What kind of kids programs?

Well, after looking at this one church I think I found what I wanted...not as many people as I thought I would want to have. Not as big of a choir, but the music is great! It is a Baptist church. Seems as contemporary as I wanted it! So, I think I like it!

I guess I am skating over the real reason that I started this blog and that was to find a me...not a new or better me...just me. I know I am in there and I am still seeking to find me. With what has gone on with my marriage I realized that I needed to find out who I am and the reasons that some things are the way that they are. So, that is what I am doing.

I am going to use this board as an outlet of sorts to maybe find all of this out. I know that I am tired of just being a mommy...not tired of being a momy...just tired of that seeming to be my only label. I want to enjoy also being a woman and a wife. I want to find out what it is like to have that kind of relationship with my husband...not just a mommy. I guess I am seeking to find new and great relationships...not outside of the people I know...just knew relationships with them. I would like to have relationships with my girlfriends where at the end of a long week we sit down over some wine and dinner and talk it all out. Or the relationship with my husband where we have dates again...man I miss those.

I have also found in my move that those friends that might have been previously blogged about (I can't remember) I no longer talk to. Maybe one or two, but I knew who my true friends were long before I moved.

I want this page to be my voice, when I feel like I don't have one. I no longer want to sit on the sidelines and get stomped on or trampled over. I have a voice and while I never what to hurt anyone...I also can no longer keep it bottled up!

I wish life was a little easier to figure out...I guess if it was we wouldn't need faith.