Randomness

My head is full of realizations and complete randomness right now. I think I finally figured out what this struggle in my head is about. It is trying to fit my ideals of what a certain image is supposed to look like. For example:

The perfect mom is supposed to be put together at all times and "have it together".
The late 20-something/early 30-something woman is supposed to be fun and living life to the fullest but with the "utmost maturity".
The perfect wife has dinner ready when hubby comes home, the kiddos bathed, and the house clean all the time.
The Best Christian is not supposed to cuss, drink, think dirty thoughts, or be outside of a box.

Now obviously I can never be perfect, but where do I fit into all of this. I know I can't be the only woman/person that struggles with these issues.

I have never been secure in myself...for whatever reason. But I see these women and I think I would like to be that way or this way. I know, that is them and not me...the point is I want that little piece I see.

I would LOVE to be a fashionista with the most perfect kiddos and husband, the nice big house with not a care in world...who has that...no one. I realize that. I just want to be secure in who I am, but I need to figure out who that is and what that means. How to I gather the little pieces from each of these situations above and place them within me and be happy with that person?

Oh, I would also love to be about 20 lbs lighter...but we can all have dreams...LOL.

I feel like I am complaining, but I promise I'm not. I am content with my life, just not with me.

I want the friends that I can sit down and joke with, or have a glass of wine (or any other drink), maybe go out to dinner with or a club if that is what we feel like doing. Not out partying, but just being comfortable with who we are and what we are doing. I get tired of people who are fake...but I am not the same way...to an extent. There are maybe 2 people that I have known in my whole life that know the real me...again the layers peel off as I get to know someone. Funny things is that I am not ashamed (anymore) of the things from my past (I thank God for the trials and triumphs), so I don't have a hard time talking to anyone about them. My issue is those are the things that I am comfortable discussing...it is the inside stuff...the feelings that I have issues with showing.

Then there is the whole getting walked all over thing...yes...I know it is happening when it happens...I am just allowing it. Why? Because it puts me in a place of control...the other person thinks I don't have a clue, when all the while I know exactly what is going on. funny...maybe this all boils down to control. I mean I know I have issues with control, but I never realized until recently how much I NEED to be in control!

Anyways...enough rambling tonight. Maybe more tomorrow. :) I promise I am not insane...just trying to figure out this crazy life one day at a time! Night!