Nervousness

Well, yesterday's high is followed by today's nervousness. I have doctor's appointment today and all of the fears of what he could say are now haunting me.

This is no regular appointment. It is a follow up to an appointment from 3 months ago. It is with a breast specialist about a lump I found. His thoughts (and my hopes) were that the lump I found in my right breast was just hormonal and would go away when my monthly cycle passed...Well, 3 months later it is still here...slightly bigger and more jagged.

This lump is kind of weird...it didn't show on a mamo or ultrasound, but I made sure I let everyone feel my breast to reassure that I wasn't going crazy...It is definitely there. When the doc looked at it, he had some concern, but it was more about how it would be removed as you cannot see it with medical equipment (It is because, if I am doing it or it involves me, it is going to be weird and messed up..LOL!) He went over 3 scenarios with the hubby and I.

1) Removal guided by medical instruments (mammo or ultrasound) -but since it can't be seen he ruled it out.

2) Self guided removal- he would place his hand on the lump and go in and remove it that way. -Again he ruled it out as he hasn't SEEN it and doesn't want to chance anything.

3)Excision- this was the option he said we would have to go with, but he doesn't want to do that as it is MAJOR surgery and would require LOTS of recovery time (and who has time anymore?)

SOOOOOOO, now we are to the reason I am nervous...well...because the lump ISN'T gone like he thought it would be and has, in fact, gotten larger (slightly) and has changed in shape. So, will he say, "Oh, well it needs to be removed and option 3 is what we are going with". Or is he going to try and run more tests? I am okay with the tests though!

On a positive note, I have NO family history of breast cancer (or really any cancer for that matter). I am also young and for the most part (until recently) relatively healthy.

Maybe this will show (whether good or bad) why my body has been doing weird things for the last couple of years...that is for another post.

Another big fear is for my daughter. She already has to worry about Ovarian Cancer because that is what her Nana had, and I don't want her to have to worry about this too (if it were cancer). With both cancers being from the same genetic mutation, if I had it there would be almost a 100% chance of her getting one or both of the cancers.

And then to top it all off...my hubby most likely won't be able to make it to the appt...STUPID WORK! My mom wants to go with me (which is great...LOOOONG story...yes I have mom issues), but she really feeds on drama to a point. When I went and had my test run before my SIL came with and she kept me positive and didn't let me think bad thoughts...she is actually my babysitter today (Thanks!)...so I won't have her wittiness with me...but I am sure we will be texting! The reason my mom is going instead of SIL is due to the fact that my mom kind of laid a THICK guilt trip about SIL going last time and not her.

So, it a LOOONG drawn out post I have now laid my thoughts about the doctors appointment today! On the plus side of things, I have a (second) job interview tomorrow and when she called it was just to say when, where, what time, with who, and that it is very casual. *excited*

AND, if I do have to have surgery...ALL of my medical deductibles are already met due to another surgery earlier this year! WOOOHOOO! Come on...that is something to be excited about!