I decided to watch church this morning online... it was about my very struggle... He knows what I need. Anyways, watch it. It is amazing what Michael talks about. His faithfulness never fails. Am I ok with Him loving me through my struggles and not helping me? He will show up on time...not when I want Him to. If you get a chance...watch:
http://www.thegladechurch.org/watch/live
Much love!
Sunday, September 1, 2013
What's up?!
It has been a while, and a lot has happened with me personally, internally. I am dealing with it...and making progress...slowly...in my own way. But, a little progress is still progress. I am working on various areas that only I can work on. I have come to realize that I cannot change certain situations and can only make other situation better by my choices/decisions. I type this today as this is what I feel today...I know this always...but may not always feel that the situation allows me to feel that way. Confusing probably.
The areas that I am working are everything from my work to my weight... self confidence, eating, personal appearance, happiness, spiritual life, being more true to what I need/want/who I am/etc., friendships, being real, etc. I have just come to realize that in order for me to have any kind of happiness I have to find it...even in the little things. Most recently, I am finding my happiness in my attire (wearing things that make me feel good or represent things I love...my ball teams, skulls, patterns, etc.), watching football, or just taking more of a leadership role at work. By finding that happiness I am also feeling more confident! Which, in turn, leads to more happiness.
As for my body/self-confidence/weight/etc: this has been an area I have struggled with for many years of my life. There is a part of it that I don't talk about much to many people...that area has gotten worse in the last few months. HOWEVER, I am working on it. It had gotten worse as my depression got worse. I have been running/walking more. This one act has lead to body changes that have lead to a better self image. I like that. :) I also joined WW...although I am not following it like I should...again, it goes with the area I have struggled with previously. I don't like the points that are allowed for the day. Food is not my friend right now... But, I am working on it! If I have shared this with you, you know what I am talking about. If not, please don't ask. I will share more as I feel comfortable.
One of the areas that I have created the most distance in is with my spiritual life. Not that I no longer believe in God or anything close to that...just that I am struggling the most with Him right now. I do not need any comments on this. If you want to pray about it...please do. I know where I need to be...what need to do. And, I also know that He is there/here with me. He knows what I am struggling with. He lets me know and see Him. I am just not in a place where I want to "speak" to Him right now. I am angry about many things in my life that I don't understand. I don't feel that I have to explain them to anyone...but I am just putting it out there. I have chosen not to step foot in my church or opened my Bible in quite some time.
I love being a mom and wife...but my kiddos are older now, and I cannot let that be all that defines me. That is a hard reality when that is what has basically defined you for nearly 15 years.
Something I have had to come to grips with is that fact that I am who I am...all of me. I am not going to share all of me with everyone...layers, people. BUT, know that what I say it truth. If I share it...it is me. If I trust you enough to share it...know that I am letting you in...you are a part of me.
Since I was on here last, Summer Break has come and gone and school has started back. I have taken some of my Praxis Tests and passed with flying colors...more to come though. S has spent some more time in the hospital, but attempting to make progress with med changes and such. C is now in 8th grade and cheer is in full swing. A is in high school and all that it entails...and he just had a birthday (14)! The next 2 weeks will finish out the rest of our birthdays.
Oh...and we got a dog. Yeah, what were we thinking...lol But, we love him!!! We rescued him. His name is Kato! The thought is that he would be great for S...but he is a puppy and all that goes with that.
All of this is totally random and pieced together...if you have stayed to read all of this, thanks!!!
Much love!
The areas that I am working are everything from my work to my weight... self confidence, eating, personal appearance, happiness, spiritual life, being more true to what I need/want/who I am/etc., friendships, being real, etc. I have just come to realize that in order for me to have any kind of happiness I have to find it...even in the little things. Most recently, I am finding my happiness in my attire (wearing things that make me feel good or represent things I love...my ball teams, skulls, patterns, etc.), watching football, or just taking more of a leadership role at work. By finding that happiness I am also feeling more confident! Which, in turn, leads to more happiness.
As for my body/self-confidence/weight/etc: this has been an area I have struggled with for many years of my life. There is a part of it that I don't talk about much to many people...that area has gotten worse in the last few months. HOWEVER, I am working on it. It had gotten worse as my depression got worse. I have been running/walking more. This one act has lead to body changes that have lead to a better self image. I like that. :) I also joined WW...although I am not following it like I should...again, it goes with the area I have struggled with previously. I don't like the points that are allowed for the day. Food is not my friend right now... But, I am working on it! If I have shared this with you, you know what I am talking about. If not, please don't ask. I will share more as I feel comfortable.
One of the areas that I have created the most distance in is with my spiritual life. Not that I no longer believe in God or anything close to that...just that I am struggling the most with Him right now. I do not need any comments on this. If you want to pray about it...please do. I know where I need to be...what need to do. And, I also know that He is there/here with me. He knows what I am struggling with. He lets me know and see Him. I am just not in a place where I want to "speak" to Him right now. I am angry about many things in my life that I don't understand. I don't feel that I have to explain them to anyone...but I am just putting it out there. I have chosen not to step foot in my church or opened my Bible in quite some time.
I love being a mom and wife...but my kiddos are older now, and I cannot let that be all that defines me. That is a hard reality when that is what has basically defined you for nearly 15 years.
Something I have had to come to grips with is that fact that I am who I am...all of me. I am not going to share all of me with everyone...layers, people. BUT, know that what I say it truth. If I share it...it is me. If I trust you enough to share it...know that I am letting you in...you are a part of me.
Since I was on here last, Summer Break has come and gone and school has started back. I have taken some of my Praxis Tests and passed with flying colors...more to come though. S has spent some more time in the hospital, but attempting to make progress with med changes and such. C is now in 8th grade and cheer is in full swing. A is in high school and all that it entails...and he just had a birthday (14)! The next 2 weeks will finish out the rest of our birthdays.
Oh...and we got a dog. Yeah, what were we thinking...lol But, we love him!!! We rescued him. His name is Kato! The thought is that he would be great for S...but he is a puppy and all that goes with that.
All of this is totally random and pieced together...if you have stayed to read all of this, thanks!!!
Much love!
Sunday, June 2, 2013
Just a thought...
What if I cannot do ALL of this anymore? I am feeling defeated, alone, angry, frustrated... And, I cannot cry... I will lose it, if I do. I have turned away from my faith in some ways... I want to scream that it is not fair...
Just, what if I cannot do it anymore?
Just, what if I cannot do it anymore?
Monday, March 11, 2013
Monday...work
I don't walk about work on here much, but today we had a faculty meeting. During the meeting much of the focus was on happenings for next school year. It is really surreal to e to be talking about next year. That will mark my second year of teaching... technically 1 1/2 yrs. I am planning on staying at my current school unless the powers that be have other plans for me. It is exciting and yet, crazy to think about.
In looking at my current position, I have had the opportunity to change things up from what I had previously done. I find that I love both sides of my job. They are both very different even though they are both within the area of special education. My job leaves a lot open for next year as there are plenty of rumors about possible changes within the staff. With me being certified in both areas, I can be placed wherever they want me to go, but I would prefer to stay in SpEd.
We have a little more than a month left before state testing and this is the first year that I am really excited and stressed about them. Previously I taught only students that were Portfolio students...this year I have both. Teaching what I teach has really made me look at the various changes I can see making next year. I am already planing our certain things as far as how I teach. This goes with my own assessment of myself and the changes being made by my school and district.
Again, I won't go too deep into my job as far as my students and other details. However, I can say that I love what I do, where I am at, and my administration. They are both first year admins...and they are GREAT! They are both young (my age) and are progressive in their thinking for education and our school. I love that they set really high expectations. They are blunt and to the point, but have the students needs at the heart of the matter. On the other hand, I am glad I was hired in prior to them coming to my school as I don't know that they would have hired me...just a thought. Of course, I am not guaranteed a job next year as I am new, but I do have the benefit of working for two entities within the district (the school and pupil services/sped). Ultimately, Pupil Services makes the call as to who is where...but the principal can make recommendations for their school concerning current staff.
I am pretty much a team player and I follow the law as it pertains to my job. I think that is a big plus for admins when looking at who is in their schools. During our meeting today our principal asked us to sign an "intent for next year" for budgetary purposes only. Of course, I signed mine! I will be curious to see what "confidential" information gets said in the coming days about who signed theirs and who didn't.
Any who, I need to input some grades and complete progress reports in EASYIEP.
Night!
In looking at my current position, I have had the opportunity to change things up from what I had previously done. I find that I love both sides of my job. They are both very different even though they are both within the area of special education. My job leaves a lot open for next year as there are plenty of rumors about possible changes within the staff. With me being certified in both areas, I can be placed wherever they want me to go, but I would prefer to stay in SpEd.
We have a little more than a month left before state testing and this is the first year that I am really excited and stressed about them. Previously I taught only students that were Portfolio students...this year I have both. Teaching what I teach has really made me look at the various changes I can see making next year. I am already planing our certain things as far as how I teach. This goes with my own assessment of myself and the changes being made by my school and district.
Again, I won't go too deep into my job as far as my students and other details. However, I can say that I love what I do, where I am at, and my administration. They are both first year admins...and they are GREAT! They are both young (my age) and are progressive in their thinking for education and our school. I love that they set really high expectations. They are blunt and to the point, but have the students needs at the heart of the matter. On the other hand, I am glad I was hired in prior to them coming to my school as I don't know that they would have hired me...just a thought. Of course, I am not guaranteed a job next year as I am new, but I do have the benefit of working for two entities within the district (the school and pupil services/sped). Ultimately, Pupil Services makes the call as to who is where...but the principal can make recommendations for their school concerning current staff.
I am pretty much a team player and I follow the law as it pertains to my job. I think that is a big plus for admins when looking at who is in their schools. During our meeting today our principal asked us to sign an "intent for next year" for budgetary purposes only. Of course, I signed mine! I will be curious to see what "confidential" information gets said in the coming days about who signed theirs and who didn't.
Any who, I need to input some grades and complete progress reports in EASYIEP.
Night!
Sunday, March 10, 2013
Happiness
Today was the best day I have had in a while...even though I had a migraine. The weather has been perfect this weekend, so that put me in a spring cleaning mood. The time change also helped as this is the time change that I love the most. I had so much energy!!! I cleaned and cleaned, jumped on the trampoline, woke up before 8, took a nap, cooked dinner, did all of the dishes and cleaned up from dinner, washed all of our dirty clothes (and put them away), cooked breakfast, read my Bible, and got everything ready for work tomorrow. I cannot believe how much I did today just because I had the energy! I didn't complain once...never got upset due to having to do the chores, I even looked at my migraine as a blessing...at least I am alive and can feel the pain of my migraine! I did the kiddos chores and didn't complain once because it was just something that needed to be done and I was there. Plus, I try to do them on the weekends as they do them during the week.
Thank you, God for the many blessing that you have placed on me. Many realizations have happened this weekend, and you have reaffirmed them with various things. My devotionals this morning supported everything I have been thinking recently. It is amazing to know that God is working and affirming things that just run through my mind.
The kiddos are on Spring Break for the next two weeks...I have mine the week they go back to school.
I am heading to bed! Have a great week!
Love, Me!
Thank you, God for the many blessing that you have placed on me. Many realizations have happened this weekend, and you have reaffirmed them with various things. My devotionals this morning supported everything I have been thinking recently. It is amazing to know that God is working and affirming things that just run through my mind.
The kiddos are on Spring Break for the next two weeks...I have mine the week they go back to school.
I am heading to bed! Have a great week!
Love, Me!
Saturday, March 9, 2013
Awakenings
As the depression I have been under cycles inside of me, I have had some awakenings. I don't know if they are from answered prayers, unanswered prayers, wishful thinking or anything else, BUT I do know that those awakenings are helping me to make some changes, push forward, or just open my FREAKING eyes!
I have noticed a new sense of bravery on my part. I like it! I feel more alive right now than I have in a while. I am ready and willing to put myself out there and I know that if pain is to come, I will be okay. That is a hard statement to make.
As I look back over my life, I can see where I just "let" things happen without investing in them. I am talking about emotional investments. I can also see where I made such a deep investment that I was blinded by my desires...not reality.
I know I am human and there are ups and downs; however, I am not going to leave things as they are. I am going to take the initiative to be more who I want to be and make less excuses for my actions (or lack there of). If I cannot look myself in the mirror honestly about a situation, then I have not given it my all.
This also has to do with my relationship with God. I would love to say that it is where I want it to be...or where it once was... sadly, it is not. I remember a time when all I wanted to do was to be in church, was on my knees (bible in hand) crying out to Jesus in prayer, or giving sound spiritual advice with the knowledge that it was God-lead advice. It has been a long time since I was honest about myself with the reality of those situations. Man, I was driven by my faith. It was AWESOME and amazing. I am not there now. I could make every excuse in the world as to why...but they are excuses. I love my God! I love who He made me. I love that I listened to him so deeply that I didn't question anything. I have taken my relationship with God for granted... I know everyone says that, but I truly have. I know God. I love God. But, I show others something different than what is really going on. I HATE that feeling. I feel like I am cheating/lying to everyone. I HATE THAT!
So, the awakenings in me are all about me being honest with myself, my God, and others. No, I do not have to "confess" my sins to them...that is not what I am talking about. I am talking about using all I have within me to make an impact in this world...in my life...and letting God take the glory for it. I am saying that I will have great intentions for the actions I make...steps I take. I will be mindful of my words and actions while making sure that I remain who I am...who I want to be...who HE wants me to be.
I know who I am to some extent. I am not saying that I will change to be like "the best christian", but I am saying that I will not be scared to live my life...and I will allow Him to move me.
I don't want to feel like anything is being "forced" in my life...I want to be honest about all of it. I tend to put on a smile where fear and tears might be lurking...while I use that as a way to protect myself, I also use it to cover up and hide. I don't want to hide.
I have always been an outspoken person...and most people would tell you that I am. However, that is not the case. I can be. But, not about something that could make others upset with me or make me "upset" depending on their response. I tend to just hide. For example, I felt like there was something up with my boss and me the other day. I have felt that way for a long time. "Scared me" would have just worried about it every time I saw him or thought about having to talk to him. He is a great boss and, to my knowledge, he has never had a problem with me. But, just the way he seemed around me, made me wonder if something was "up". I sure wouldn't want him to tell me "yes" if I had asked him if there was a problem...so I would have just worried...and wondered...and been scared. However, I sucked it up and asked. I was relieved when he told me that he had no issues with me...just that there was a lot of stress right now.
On a typical day, I am a weak person. I have been told I am strong...and truth be told, I know I have had to be strong in some moments...I don't think that makes me a strong person. I see a strong person as someone who has overcome things in their life and made decisions that make an impact. Maybe that is me...but I know that I am not the picture of strength. I am trying...I want to be strong in my convictions...I want to be strong in this life. I want my children to see me as a picture of strength. I got my strength tattoo to remind myself that I have had to have strength, that I want to be strong, and that strength will be necessary in my life.
With all of this being said, the shortened version of this post is that I want my days, hours, and minutes to be intentional. I don't want to wonder "what if" because I didn't or did do something that mattered.
The beginning of my awakening and being intentional is "feeling" my emotions...and acting on them with the understanding that I could get hurt. But, the way I see it, is that in life you have to be intentional with everything even with the risk. If it is worth your emotional attachment, then it is worth the risk. Imagine what the outcome could be.
I don't want to continue to be the girl that is depending on everyone else for accountability in my actions. I don't want to keep saying "remind me to..." or "help me to do..." I want to be intentional with my actions and accountable. It could be painful. But, to be real with myself is to be honest with my intentions...to give answers without hesitation and feel the emotion behind them even if I don't like it.
I don't want to live a "maybe life" with mediocre happiness. I want to live MY life and know that the emotions felt could impact me in many ways. It could suck...it could mean my depression gets worse...but it could mean LIVING.
After writing this post, it almost seems like I am preaching about "how great my life is with God", but that isn't where I am intending to go. He is part of it because I love Him and want the life I could only hope to have that comes with happiness when walking with the Lord. But, in all honesty, I have told people that I would pray or have prayed for them when I didn't...I haven't opened my Bible in a LONG time (I have used electronic versions though)...I haven't been to church since Christmas...I pretend to be a "better" christian than I am. I'm attempting to be done with that.
I am putting all of this "out there" knowing I will be judged and could lose things/people that mean a lot to me. However, if I am being honest with myself, I don't want people to "know" me one way when my mind, heart, and actions dictate another. I can only hope that those people reading this will see that I am human...that they will love me despite my flaws and know that I am a work in progress.
I know longer want to wonder what my family and friends think of me...I want to know already because who I really am is also who I am showing everyone else.
Who am I? Well, I think I am a loving, caring person who has passions for those who cannot do for themselves and educating others. I have a strong mindset when I have decided upon something. I hate hurting others. I would like to think that if I asked my husband if I was those things, that he would honestly answer "yes"...and that I am an inspiration to others because of my thoughts or actions.
Here is the other awakening...if I have let you in, you are mine...my friend...possibly one of my BEST friends...not an acquaintance. Some of my best friends I NEVER talk to...but they and I know where we stand. Some of my best friends I haven't talked in a long time to due to a falling out that was my fault or caused by my actions. I can count on one hand the people that I have let close enough to be my "best friend"...and no matter what would still consider them my best friend. However, I have many people that I "let in"... My best friends are the ones who can call no matter what...even the ones I had a falling out with, I would do everything in power to help them out. To be honest, most of my friends I would do that with. This has really go me thinking about how I see my friends. If I wouldn't do everything in my power to help them out...then, are they really a "friend"? Hmmm... Is it possible to have friends that are situational? Like friends you only talk to at work or at church? I guess so...but, I am not liking the way this is processing through my head. Would that make them acquaintances? What makes someone a friend? What makes someone more than a "situational" friend? Anyway...
If you have stayed with me through all of this...thanks! I am just rolling with the thoughts in my brain...
I just want to be who I am with people who know and love me for me. I used to feel like I was this really happy person. I smiled all of the time...even when I was upset. I am not seeing that person in me right now, but I am working on it.
Here is to living your life intentionally! Make choices that make you happy and that stem from who you really are. Even the hardest choices can be made for the right reasons...often that is the case.
Here are some quotes to ponder:
“You've gotta dance like there's nobody watching,
Love like you'll never be hurt,
Sing like there's nobody listening,
And live like it's heaven on earth.”
― William W. Purkey
“Life is an opportunity, benefit from it.
Life is beauty, admire it.
Life is a dream, realize it.
Life is a challenge, meet it.
Life is a duty, complete it.
Life is a game, play it.
Life is a promise, fulfill it.
Life is sorrow, overcome it.
Life is a song, sing it.
Life is a struggle, accept it.
Life is a tragedy, confront it.
Life is an adventure, dare it.
Life is luck, make it.
Life is too precious, do not destroy it.
Life is life, fight for it.”
― Mother Teresa
“To laugh often and love much; to win the respect of intelligent persons and the affection of children; to earn the approbation of honest citizens and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to give of one’s self; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to have played and laughed with enthusiasm and sung with exultation; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived—this is to have succeeded.”
― Bessie Anderson Stanley
“This life is what you make it. Not matter what, you're going to mess up sometimes, it's a universal truth. But the good part is you get to decide how you're going to mess it up. Girls will be your friends - they'll act like it anyway. But just remember, some come, some go. The ones that stay with you through everything - they're your true best friends. Don't let go of them. Also remember, sisters make the best friends in the world. As for lovers, well, they'll come and go too. And babe, I hate to say it, most of them - actually pretty much all of them are going to break your heart, but you can't give up because if you give up, you'll never find your soul mate. You'll never find that half who makes you whole and that goes for everything. Just because you fail once, doesn't mean you're gonna fail at everything. Keep trying, hold on, and always, always, always believe in yourself, because if you don't, then who will, sweetie? So keep your head high, keep your chin up, and most importantly, keep smiling, because life's a beautiful thing and there's so much to smile about.”
― Marilyn Monroe
“Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.”
― Dr. Seuss
“Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.”
― Ralph Waldo Emerson
“Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.”
― George Bernard Shaw
I have noticed a new sense of bravery on my part. I like it! I feel more alive right now than I have in a while. I am ready and willing to put myself out there and I know that if pain is to come, I will be okay. That is a hard statement to make.
As I look back over my life, I can see where I just "let" things happen without investing in them. I am talking about emotional investments. I can also see where I made such a deep investment that I was blinded by my desires...not reality.
I know I am human and there are ups and downs; however, I am not going to leave things as they are. I am going to take the initiative to be more who I want to be and make less excuses for my actions (or lack there of). If I cannot look myself in the mirror honestly about a situation, then I have not given it my all.
This also has to do with my relationship with God. I would love to say that it is where I want it to be...or where it once was... sadly, it is not. I remember a time when all I wanted to do was to be in church, was on my knees (bible in hand) crying out to Jesus in prayer, or giving sound spiritual advice with the knowledge that it was God-lead advice. It has been a long time since I was honest about myself with the reality of those situations. Man, I was driven by my faith. It was AWESOME and amazing. I am not there now. I could make every excuse in the world as to why...but they are excuses. I love my God! I love who He made me. I love that I listened to him so deeply that I didn't question anything. I have taken my relationship with God for granted... I know everyone says that, but I truly have. I know God. I love God. But, I show others something different than what is really going on. I HATE that feeling. I feel like I am cheating/lying to everyone. I HATE THAT!
So, the awakenings in me are all about me being honest with myself, my God, and others. No, I do not have to "confess" my sins to them...that is not what I am talking about. I am talking about using all I have within me to make an impact in this world...in my life...and letting God take the glory for it. I am saying that I will have great intentions for the actions I make...steps I take. I will be mindful of my words and actions while making sure that I remain who I am...who I want to be...who HE wants me to be.
I know who I am to some extent. I am not saying that I will change to be like "the best christian", but I am saying that I will not be scared to live my life...and I will allow Him to move me.
I don't want to feel like anything is being "forced" in my life...I want to be honest about all of it. I tend to put on a smile where fear and tears might be lurking...while I use that as a way to protect myself, I also use it to cover up and hide. I don't want to hide.
I have always been an outspoken person...and most people would tell you that I am. However, that is not the case. I can be. But, not about something that could make others upset with me or make me "upset" depending on their response. I tend to just hide. For example, I felt like there was something up with my boss and me the other day. I have felt that way for a long time. "Scared me" would have just worried about it every time I saw him or thought about having to talk to him. He is a great boss and, to my knowledge, he has never had a problem with me. But, just the way he seemed around me, made me wonder if something was "up". I sure wouldn't want him to tell me "yes" if I had asked him if there was a problem...so I would have just worried...and wondered...and been scared. However, I sucked it up and asked. I was relieved when he told me that he had no issues with me...just that there was a lot of stress right now.
On a typical day, I am a weak person. I have been told I am strong...and truth be told, I know I have had to be strong in some moments...I don't think that makes me a strong person. I see a strong person as someone who has overcome things in their life and made decisions that make an impact. Maybe that is me...but I know that I am not the picture of strength. I am trying...I want to be strong in my convictions...I want to be strong in this life. I want my children to see me as a picture of strength. I got my strength tattoo to remind myself that I have had to have strength, that I want to be strong, and that strength will be necessary in my life.
With all of this being said, the shortened version of this post is that I want my days, hours, and minutes to be intentional. I don't want to wonder "what if" because I didn't or did do something that mattered.
The beginning of my awakening and being intentional is "feeling" my emotions...and acting on them with the understanding that I could get hurt. But, the way I see it, is that in life you have to be intentional with everything even with the risk. If it is worth your emotional attachment, then it is worth the risk. Imagine what the outcome could be.
I don't want to continue to be the girl that is depending on everyone else for accountability in my actions. I don't want to keep saying "remind me to..." or "help me to do..." I want to be intentional with my actions and accountable. It could be painful. But, to be real with myself is to be honest with my intentions...to give answers without hesitation and feel the emotion behind them even if I don't like it.
I don't want to live a "maybe life" with mediocre happiness. I want to live MY life and know that the emotions felt could impact me in many ways. It could suck...it could mean my depression gets worse...but it could mean LIVING.
After writing this post, it almost seems like I am preaching about "how great my life is with God", but that isn't where I am intending to go. He is part of it because I love Him and want the life I could only hope to have that comes with happiness when walking with the Lord. But, in all honesty, I have told people that I would pray or have prayed for them when I didn't...I haven't opened my Bible in a LONG time (I have used electronic versions though)...I haven't been to church since Christmas...I pretend to be a "better" christian than I am. I'm attempting to be done with that.
I am putting all of this "out there" knowing I will be judged and could lose things/people that mean a lot to me. However, if I am being honest with myself, I don't want people to "know" me one way when my mind, heart, and actions dictate another. I can only hope that those people reading this will see that I am human...that they will love me despite my flaws and know that I am a work in progress.
I know longer want to wonder what my family and friends think of me...I want to know already because who I really am is also who I am showing everyone else.
Who am I? Well, I think I am a loving, caring person who has passions for those who cannot do for themselves and educating others. I have a strong mindset when I have decided upon something. I hate hurting others. I would like to think that if I asked my husband if I was those things, that he would honestly answer "yes"...and that I am an inspiration to others because of my thoughts or actions.
Here is the other awakening...if I have let you in, you are mine...my friend...possibly one of my BEST friends...not an acquaintance. Some of my best friends I NEVER talk to...but they and I know where we stand. Some of my best friends I haven't talked in a long time to due to a falling out that was my fault or caused by my actions. I can count on one hand the people that I have let close enough to be my "best friend"...and no matter what would still consider them my best friend. However, I have many people that I "let in"... My best friends are the ones who can call no matter what...even the ones I had a falling out with, I would do everything in power to help them out. To be honest, most of my friends I would do that with. This has really go me thinking about how I see my friends. If I wouldn't do everything in my power to help them out...then, are they really a "friend"? Hmmm... Is it possible to have friends that are situational? Like friends you only talk to at work or at church? I guess so...but, I am not liking the way this is processing through my head. Would that make them acquaintances? What makes someone a friend? What makes someone more than a "situational" friend? Anyway...
If you have stayed with me through all of this...thanks! I am just rolling with the thoughts in my brain...
I just want to be who I am with people who know and love me for me. I used to feel like I was this really happy person. I smiled all of the time...even when I was upset. I am not seeing that person in me right now, but I am working on it.
Here is to living your life intentionally! Make choices that make you happy and that stem from who you really are. Even the hardest choices can be made for the right reasons...often that is the case.
Here are some quotes to ponder:
“You've gotta dance like there's nobody watching,
Love like you'll never be hurt,
Sing like there's nobody listening,
And live like it's heaven on earth.”
― William W. Purkey
“Life is an opportunity, benefit from it.
Life is beauty, admire it.
Life is a dream, realize it.
Life is a challenge, meet it.
Life is a duty, complete it.
Life is a game, play it.
Life is a promise, fulfill it.
Life is sorrow, overcome it.
Life is a song, sing it.
Life is a struggle, accept it.
Life is a tragedy, confront it.
Life is an adventure, dare it.
Life is luck, make it.
Life is too precious, do not destroy it.
Life is life, fight for it.”
― Mother Teresa
“To laugh often and love much; to win the respect of intelligent persons and the affection of children; to earn the approbation of honest citizens and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to give of one’s self; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to have played and laughed with enthusiasm and sung with exultation; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived—this is to have succeeded.”
― Bessie Anderson Stanley
“This life is what you make it. Not matter what, you're going to mess up sometimes, it's a universal truth. But the good part is you get to decide how you're going to mess it up. Girls will be your friends - they'll act like it anyway. But just remember, some come, some go. The ones that stay with you through everything - they're your true best friends. Don't let go of them. Also remember, sisters make the best friends in the world. As for lovers, well, they'll come and go too. And babe, I hate to say it, most of them - actually pretty much all of them are going to break your heart, but you can't give up because if you give up, you'll never find your soul mate. You'll never find that half who makes you whole and that goes for everything. Just because you fail once, doesn't mean you're gonna fail at everything. Keep trying, hold on, and always, always, always believe in yourself, because if you don't, then who will, sweetie? So keep your head high, keep your chin up, and most importantly, keep smiling, because life's a beautiful thing and there's so much to smile about.”
― Marilyn Monroe
“Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.”
― Dr. Seuss
“Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.”
― Ralph Waldo Emerson
“Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.”
― George Bernard Shaw
Sunday, March 3, 2013
Life...and the collision continues
I am going to have to take a good step back from my current view due to the extreme amount of sadness and depression that I am currently feeling.
I cannot change the way that my mind it taking things in. I cannot change the way that my heart or head responds to them. But, I do know that I have spent the better half of the last week wanting to do nothing but sleep and cry. Today has been the worst.
I don't know how to explain how I feel other than I feel lost in a continuum of life...without the ability to feel any of it...or over feel it. My stress levels appear to be maxed out, but I know I have experienced more stress than I currently have.
Fortunately, my "lost-ness" has allowed S to step forward in an effort to "make it all better". It has been good seeing that side of him again. I miss it...him...
Here are the random thoughts going on in my head... no order
school
money
taxes
gas
bills
moving
frustration
alone
empty
unhealthy
fat
unsuccessful
target
failure
sadness
hopeless
lack of faith
falling away
anger
confusion
Of course, each one of those has a story with them. Those stories really fill out the thoughts.
school: uncertainty of a job for next year, evaluations, PRAXIS, teaching, drive, frustrations with some events that I have to sit back and watch or that I have made change happen.
Each one of those thoughts looks like the above.
Moving...while we have our own space- we do not have privacy- I am constantly a daughter to my father...and I get treated/talked to as such. I know he loves me, but if I don't want to do anything over the course of a weekend...I'm an adult and can do that. I don't want to hurt him, but I want to be the adult I have been (on my own) since I was 17. Let me be me, a wife, and mom without input...unless asked. It really does make me feel like less of a person having stuff like that over my head.
loneliness...I feel as though all my friends are gone. I don't know what I ever thought that I have more...or needed more. S is my best friend and I love him for it. But, feeling alone doesn't make all go away. I feel like I have lied to myself about friendships...
I guess the best way to put it would be true depression...and yet, I still have to look the picture of "it's all okay".
I care too much...and now I cannot care at all.
I don't need advice...I just needed to vent.
I cannot change the way that my mind it taking things in. I cannot change the way that my heart or head responds to them. But, I do know that I have spent the better half of the last week wanting to do nothing but sleep and cry. Today has been the worst.
I don't know how to explain how I feel other than I feel lost in a continuum of life...without the ability to feel any of it...or over feel it. My stress levels appear to be maxed out, but I know I have experienced more stress than I currently have.
Fortunately, my "lost-ness" has allowed S to step forward in an effort to "make it all better". It has been good seeing that side of him again. I miss it...him...
Here are the random thoughts going on in my head... no order
school
money
taxes
gas
bills
moving
frustration
alone
empty
unhealthy
fat
unsuccessful
target
failure
sadness
hopeless
lack of faith
falling away
anger
confusion
Of course, each one of those has a story with them. Those stories really fill out the thoughts.
school: uncertainty of a job for next year, evaluations, PRAXIS, teaching, drive, frustrations with some events that I have to sit back and watch or that I have made change happen.
Each one of those thoughts looks like the above.
Moving...while we have our own space- we do not have privacy- I am constantly a daughter to my father...and I get treated/talked to as such. I know he loves me, but if I don't want to do anything over the course of a weekend...I'm an adult and can do that. I don't want to hurt him, but I want to be the adult I have been (on my own) since I was 17. Let me be me, a wife, and mom without input...unless asked. It really does make me feel like less of a person having stuff like that over my head.
loneliness...I feel as though all my friends are gone. I don't know what I ever thought that I have more...or needed more. S is my best friend and I love him for it. But, feeling alone doesn't make all go away. I feel like I have lied to myself about friendships...
I guess the best way to put it would be true depression...and yet, I still have to look the picture of "it's all okay".
I care too much...and now I cannot care at all.
I don't need advice...I just needed to vent.
Monday, February 4, 2013
Collide
Sometimes it feels as though this world and I were not meant to collide. Things seem great for brief moments; then, gone just as quickly. I cannot tell you that I am happy or sad...numb. I cannot tell you I am honest about my feelings from moment to moment. I cannot tell you that who you know is who I truly am. I cannot tell you that while writing this I remained self centered enough to think of only my problems...because there are way worse problems. I know that.
I can tell you that I am in a heavy state of depression that has not been told or spoken until now. I can tell you that I feel alone in all of my thoughts and feelings. I feel like I haven't no right to have those feelings...or that I can even handle them. I cannot really talk about it though because there are more/bigger pressing issues that deserve attention.
So...as I sit here crying about my life and all that I cannot change...here are my thoughts...
I want to runaway...from what...who...to where...why? I feel as though I live in a world where I am not of worth.
If I wasn't here would it be so bad? And as I write this I feel like a little puss for even thinking these things. I am angry...mad...frustrated...lonely...worried...sad...confused...helpless...hopeless
And they all collide.
I can tell you that I am in a heavy state of depression that has not been told or spoken until now. I can tell you that I feel alone in all of my thoughts and feelings. I feel like I haven't no right to have those feelings...or that I can even handle them. I cannot really talk about it though because there are more/bigger pressing issues that deserve attention.
So...as I sit here crying about my life and all that I cannot change...here are my thoughts...
I want to runaway...from what...who...to where...why? I feel as though I live in a world where I am not of worth.
If I wasn't here would it be so bad? And as I write this I feel like a little puss for even thinking these things. I am angry...mad...frustrated...lonely...worried...sad...confused...helpless...hopeless
And they all collide.
Monday, January 21, 2013
Re-Building my faith
I will be the first to tell you that my walk with God has taken a detour...or more. However, little things remind me of His greatness and my loss of involvement.
So...I am hoping to begin a journal with daily random gratitude. However, one of the things I have found brings me closer to him is my compassion for others. I have extreme empathy for others and find it a great joy to take their burdens as mine when called to do so.
Hopefully, I will get pack on track soon and won't feel a piece missing.
So...I am hoping to begin a journal with daily random gratitude. However, one of the things I have found brings me closer to him is my compassion for others. I have extreme empathy for others and find it a great joy to take their burdens as mine when called to do so.
Hopefully, I will get pack on track soon and won't feel a piece missing.
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
Randomness
I am such a slacker blogger...I will, hopefully, update soon. However, I just had to say something...
It is funny how something so little can cause such heartache. :(
It is funny how something so little can cause such heartache. :(
Monday, October 15, 2012
National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day
Today marks a day that causes a lot of people massive amounts of pain on a daily basis.
Please, remember those who have suffered a loss such as this...many times they will be suffering in silence as this topic is still a very taboo topic to discuss.
Ignoring...building walls
I have come to my page several times to type the on-goings in my life, but (as you can see) I haven't done so. This is mostly due to wanting to ignore what is going on AND not knowing exactly what to post...plus, sometimes I wish I hadn't decided to make it a public blog (as in, known to others that this is mine). Sometimes, I feel like I can't post what I want to post on here for various reasons. I don't ever want to hurt anyone, so when I am frustrated or mad, I don't want to put it out HERE...or when I am struggling at work...or home...or in life...EVERYONE I know can see it. I know many of you may be saying, "DUH, isn't that the point of a blog." Yes, it is, but I am not comfortable making ALL of that public... Thus, I have been ignoring my blog. I have been building walls...for many reasons.
I will try to catch you up to some degree...
- School is back in...Teaching-wise and we are on Fall Break, right now
- School is back in...Practicum-wise...hopefully, after December I will be a fully licensed teacher (if I can get all my Praxis tests done).
- School is back in...Master's Program-wise...or at least it was...I start back October 28th...long story, but I dropped my first class and will pick it back up then.
- School is back in...for the kiddos. They have been on Fall Break, but started back today.
- Medical...I am really struggling with my migraines, currently. I am going on day 3 of a Migraine, but this weekend was by far the worst they have been in YEARS. There would have been no way I could have gone to work with them.
- Medical...Shawn is really struggling with his mental health stuff...Mental Health SUCKS and so do the systems surrounding it. I don't think anyone ever really knows what to do or how to help...
- On the homefront...we are still with my parents at my grandmother's home. It is really the best for us, currently.
- God...I am struggling...and angry, right now (due to somethings above). This is keeping me from things I love and from Him.
- Politics...I have my stance...it will not change, but I am SO ready for the election to be over due to all the drama and bashing (on both sides)
- Family...things are ok. Nothing major, just everyday life.
- Me...if you have been following me, at all, on FB then you know things have been a little crazy. That is just the very tip of the iceberg. If you want to know more, just ask. I may or may not let you know at the moment...it just depends on my mood.
Those are a few bullet points to keep me on track (now and if I ever go into detail).
I am SO ready for fall...maybe it will help me to feel like things are changing in a positive direction since it is my favorite season!
I hope everyone is doing well!
Sunday, September 16, 2012
Messing with Wordle
I have been messing with Wordle. Here is a little about me...very little, but these words effect me tremendously!
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
Life Sucks...sometimes
I live in a world where on the outside it may seem great...and maybe not to others. But, one area that is a sucky situation for me is that between S and I on certain issues. Christianity, the Bible, etc. are VERY hot topics between us...among others. We usually agree to disagree, and have no issues.
Most times, it is ok, but recently he spends more time talking to his "online fiends" that he does me. And, when are differences are brought out to the public, I feel like I am fighting a battle that I cannot win... not that, that is the goal, but it is always nice to know that I have a protective husband. I used to feel that way. In the last several months, I feel more like he sees me as the enemy instead of his partner.
For example, today he posted something on FB regarding his religious beliefs. I was going to love him through it, as I fully believe that he has the right to say and feel however he does. I ended up chiming in due to a comment someone said. I felt that it was direct attack on me and he "liked" it. I feel like I am alone now. We are sitting in the same room (have been all day) and I bet we haven't spoken 10 sentences to each other. Yet, he can talk all day online about what is wrong, what he believes, how I am wrong/our arguments (this is my own assumption), and ignore me.
It just leaves me feeling very sad, but my best friend (him) is not who I can turn to. :(
Just needed to vent.
Monday, August 6, 2012
Life Verse
8 Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. 9 Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. 10 That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
His grace is enough...when I am weak, I am strong, in Christ.
Christian... What it means to me.
I recently saw this pic:
It fully engulfs how I feel. But, after many thoughts and conversations, I no longer feel that I want to fall under the "name" Christian...although I am one by belief and definition. My new thoughts are that I want to be known as a believer and follower of Jesus Christ.
There are so many negative connotations that tend to follow the word "Christian"...from both Christians and non-Christians. Thus, I feel that the term above will make me feel as though I can make a bigger impact when/where needed without the judgement that could follow.
I am 100% a person who believes in Christ, his mission, life, and our calling. I just don't want the negativity that follows ONE word to be what people judge me by. I am me doing what I feel Christ/God wants me to do. I am/have been/will be convicted by God in certain areas when He sees fit!
I am human...and will make mistakes, but I know God will not lead me astray. I fear that it could be those who claim to be Christians will be ones who lead others astray. Remember, God does not say NOT to judge when it comes to Christian behavior... He does say that when we do judge, we are to do so with knowledge and understanding that we are doing it after prayer, with His blessing, and not being able to turn around and have the same judgement passed on us about the very same topic.
Mathew 7:1: "Do not judge, or you too will be judged."
Luke 6:37: "Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.
Other Information provided by www.gotquestions.org:
Question: "What does the Bible mean that we are not to judge others?"
Answer: This is an issue that has confused many people. On one hand, we are commanded by the Lord Jesus, “Do not judge, or you too will be judged” (Matthew 7:1). On the other hand, the Bible also exhorts us to beware of evildoers and false prophets and to avoid those who practice all kinds of evil. How are we to discern who these people are if we do not make some kind of judgment about them?
Christians are often accused of "judging" whenever they speak out against a sinful activity. However, that is not the meaning of the Scripture verses that state, "Do not judge." There is a righteous kind of judgment we are supposed to exercise—with careful discernment (John 7:24). When Jesus told us not to judge (Matthew 7:1), He was telling us not to judge hypocritically. Matthew 7:2-5 declares, "For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye." What Jesus was condemning here was hypocritical, self-righteous judgments of others.
In Matthew 7:2-5, Jesus warns against judging someone else for his sin when you yourself are sinning even worse. That is the kind of judging Jesus commanded us not to do. If a believer sees another believer sinning, it is his Christian duty to lovingly and respectfully confront the person with his sin (Matthew 18:15-17). This is not judging, but rather pointing out the truth in hope—and with the ultimate goal—of bringing repentance in the other person (James 5:20) and restoration to the fellowship. We are to speak the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15). We are to proclaim what God's Word says about sin. 2 Timothy 4:2instructs us, "Preach the Word; be prepared in season and out of season; correct, rebuke and encourage — with great patience and careful instruction." We are to "judge" sin, but always with the goal of presenting the solution for sin and its consequences—the Lord Jesus Christ (John 14:6).
I am not saying that I am not or have not judged...I am SURE guilty of it, but I very much feel that the above references my responsibility on the topic. As a Christian, I better make sure "my house is clean before I start judging yours". That is how I feel.
Love me as I am...keep me accountable, but also know that if you are going to stand at my door and shake your finger, check the fingers shaking back at you. Also, just because you have been convicted on a topic by Him, doesn't mean I have. He will approach us as He sees fit.
Please remember this when you start peeking through my "window" or acting under the heading of "Christian". You represent a whole group of people, who already under extreme scrutiny.
I'm now signing out... The "newest member" of the group believer and followers of Christ!
Issues...Debate or let go
There have been so many issues recently that have made me very opinionated, but I have kept quiet. Between the election, Chik-Fil-A, religion, etc. I have been left feeling very frustrated and under valued as a person, Christian, mom, wife, and woman.
I posted this on FB...and I am feeling very much this way.
How do you remain opinionated about "hot topics" without offending others? Then, once that is figured out, how do you keep from being judged to the point of condemnation by people? It is very difficult to be me in a world where people think that if you "believe" one way, that you should also have the same opinions.
Monday, July 9, 2012
Just an over all review
I just updated my Google+ account with some basic info and thought that I needed to share it here. The reason for sharing it here is because it is basically an "about me" update. This is mostly what I wrote on Google+, but I added a few things. This way you can get the gist of me without reading everything... Then you can decide if you want to read more! Enjoy...
I am a busy wife, mom, teacher, student, daughter, sister, Aunt, and friend. I am also a Christian...don't judge me, just get to know me.
I have been married to S for almost 13 years (7/16/99). He is my heart, and I would be completely lost without him! We have fought hard for our marriage, and it is stronger now than ever. We married at 19, and within about 14 months we had 2 kiddos. Needless to say the first few years of our marriage were CRAZY! We would/will both fight till the death to save it or keep it intact. He is my inspiration! He has worked hard to support our family despite many setbacks. While he isn't currently working due to his Bi-polar disease and other mental health/medical issues, he shows me everyday what strength really looks like. I think I am strong in many areas...at different times, but S is the picture of strength...even though he doesn't see it. Even on my best day, I am not as strong as him. I love him more because of it. :) Through all of our struggles, we have done nothing but grow stronger...I wouldn't take even one of them back.
We have lost more people in our lives than any one person/couple should have to go through. Neither one of us now has any grandparents left. And, S lost his mom to Ovarian Cancer in 2006. We are currently watching his step-dad slowly decline due to cancer. If you read more of my blog you will find more about these people. On the positive side, S has recently reconnected with his father. This has been a long road, but it is turning out to be a good one.
We have 2 kiddos, A (08/20/1999) and C (09/19/2000). Currently, they are both in Middle School, and A plays on the school soccer team. He would rather play games than do school work, but he very intelligent. C is on the yearbook Committee. She has yet to find a sport that suites her (despite trying many), but she is great at academics. I am very proud of both of them. They drive me crazy, but I wouldn't trade them for the world.
I teach Special Education and will be entering the second half of my first year when school starts in August (2012). They hired me on in Dec. 2011 due to an influx of students. Special Education is my calling, and I absolutely love it. I have been in school since fall 2007 and graduated from Cumberland University in 2011. I will (hopefully) begin pursuing my Master's this fall (2012) with Bethel University. I think I am a one of those people that loves to go to school...weird, I know. I have 2 degrees...both Bachelors, Special Education k-12 and Elementary Education k-6. I also have a minor in Psychology. I have never considered going to school past my Master's, but I like the thought of being in school, so we will see. I have NO desire to be an administrator...as in principal, but I could see myself in an administrative role by teaching/helping other teachers to handle students with disabilities. It is something I am very passionate about. All teachers should know what steps to take to make EVERY student successful in their classroom.
I am the oldest of 3 girls, and we are all 4 years apart. My sisters are Jo and S (TT) TT is a nickname provided by A when he was little and couldn't say her real name. It just stuck... and everyone calls her that. I am the proud Aunt of a niece (Madison, 8) and nephew (Boston, 3)...yes...they are both named after places. :) They are both Jo's kiddos. I can't wait for S to have kiddos...FUN!
I like or things to be organized; however, if something become "too messy," per my standards, I will become anxious and either go overboard to fix it or i will avoid it all the way. I love home design and changing rooms around. I have grand ideas, but rarely follow through. I usually start them then get side-tracked. I think I have ADD/ADHD. If you know me, you know how RANDOM I can be.
I am also trying to be more health conscious. I am losing weight, and on my way down to my goal weight (135 lbs). I have already lost about 20 lbs. depending on the time of day I weigh. We all know that our weight changes 3-5 lbs throughout the day. That is huge for me as I have NEVER stuck to anything like this before in my life. I am one of those people that stops if something goes wrong or "restarts" on the next day, week, month, etc. For me, I LOVE that I am losing weight, but I just really want to be healthier and more toned. I do love that my clothes are fitting better and that I am going down in size. I am eating smaller portions and healthier stuff, most of the time. But now, I need to get moving! I started this journey and was walk/running a 2 mile loop in my neighborhood. Then, I would run out of daylight or not have enough in the mornings before work, make excuses that I was too tired/ had to much to do/or it got too hot. Yesterday I made a commitment/challenge to myself to do 30 days of exercising. This means 30 minutes for 30 days. It could be any kind of exercise, but it had to get my heart rate up consistently. I need to be held accountable to this so I have asked my FB peeps to help me with this. You are more than welcome to do the same thing. I just ask for no judgement...just a random "did you happen to do your exercise today?" or "what type of exercise did you try out today?" Since I am currently on Summer Break, (only 16 more days until I am "officially back i the classroom) I tend to be a hermit. Please ask me to come walk with you or run...or whatever to get me going.
I am a Christian. This is greatest relationship I have in my life...and that says a lot. I have been saved and Baptized twice. If you want to know why, just email me and I will tell you. My walk with God is my own. I try not to judge others, as I don't want them to judge me, but I fail daily. God loves me anyway. I am constantly seeking to find answers...some in the right places and some in the wrong. He will lead me to where He wants me...I just have to be open and listen. I love my church, but again...I am not that involved in it, not like I want to be. And here comes that "A" word again...Accountability. I am asking that you help me. Just like I said above...please don't judge...just ask if I am doing anything today to strengthen that relationship. I am up for suggestions. Once school starts back I know that church activities will pick back up. They have plenty of women's study groups and even fitness groups. The fitness groups range from daily Karate, exercise, walking, etc. I love the choir, so maybe I will step-up in that area.
Lastly, I have the greatest people in my life...in all areas. I have the best family (even if I don't show it all the time), co-workers (they are always there to help me where and when needed, and they do the same with me), and the greatest friends...you couldn't ask for better (old and new). I have friends that have become family and family that have become friends...who could ask for anything more?! I have friends that have been my friend since before school started (Kindergarten) and friends that I have only known for a couple of years. All mean something very special to me, and I know that those in my life are there for a reason. I would NEVER give up what I have with these people. My very best friends are people who I don't know how I lived this long without. If you read a year or so back you will see that I thought, then, that I had the greatest friends...some of that has changed, but that is life. Time will heal wounds, as will God. I just have to be patient and open to listen. Family is family...usually, but I have some family that I truly consider friends...good friends...great friends...even best friends. They have been the shoulder that I cried on when I didn't want to share all that was going on with my "friends" due to fear of judgment of me or S. Now, having the best friends like I do, I know that they are friends in every sense of the words and would never judge me. I can count a handful of those people that I fully trust, and know they wouldn't love/think of me any less. Many of my friends I don't talk to on a daily basis, but I could pick up the phone and know they would be there, if I needed them. Until writing this, I didn't see the full spectrum of friends that I have. While they may all be varying "degrees" (in when or how often I talk to/see them) of friends, I know they are friends...real friends. God has really blessed me in that area! I am so thankful. I have learned through recent happenings that true friendship is something hard to find and should be cherished!
I hope you feel like you know me a little better now! If you want to read more about me, feel free to do so...I am not an avid blogger (but I am getting better), so posts are staggered over time. If you have questions, please ask. I am a private person about certain things (as we all are), but I will be as open and honest as I can be depending on the question.
Much love!
Rai
P.S.-After this post I am going to start calling S-Babe, A- butt-head, and C-pooh. If you know them, you will know why. :)
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
Today
Most people are celebrating today... however, I am sad. Parts of my family left today to go to Massachusetts to bury my Mema on Saturday. She died in January, but she had to wait to be buried until the ground thawed. She was cremated and has sat in this house since then.
We stayed here for many reasons, but I didn't think I would be emotional today when everyone left...I am. I figured Saturday would be hard for me. I hope this isn't how the rest of the week is going to be.
My Mema was a great woman and the last of my grandparents alive. Her loss brought many emotions as my Papa (her husband) was like a father to me. He died suddenly in Nov. 2005 from a stroke.
We will be spending the day with other family, but I dreamed about her last night...and I am sad...sort of regretting not going to Mass.
Mema with me and my sisters. Dec. 2011
Mema and I
Mema with her girls and grandbabies
Mema with her girls (me, my sisters, and my mom)
Me and my Papa at my wedding July 1999.
I love and miss them both so much!!!!
Weight struggles
I don't have much time to go into my whole weight issues...but until I a few years after I had kiddos I was between a size 2-4. I crept up to a 6...then an 8...and finally got up to a 12-14. Of course, sizing depends on the brand, but this is where I was.
Last year, I decided I didn't like where I was sitting in size and weight. I joined WW and did good for a couple of weeks...then the new wore off...life happened and it fell to the side. I continued to put on a little her and there. Plus, I was not really active...just at work.
This year (3 months ago) I decided that I wanted to lose and again joined WW. I have lost 17 lbs. However, now my WW subscription in over. I am doing good in the eating area, but not in the exercising. I am continuing to lose and have a reasonable goal for my height. I have joined myfitnesspal to help me. on the side you will find my tracker. I ask that you help to keep me accountable. :)
Please.
I will also go into this topic a little more deeply when I have more time.
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