Awakenings

As the depression I have been under cycles inside of me, I have had some awakenings.  I don't know if they are from answered prayers, unanswered prayers, wishful thinking or anything else, BUT I do know that those awakenings are helping me to make some changes, push forward, or just open my FREAKING eyes!

I have noticed a new sense of bravery on my part.  I like it!  I feel more alive right now than I have in a while.    I am ready and willing to put myself out there and I know that if pain is to come, I will be okay.  That is a hard statement to make.

As I look back over my life, I can see where I just "let" things happen without investing in them.  I am talking about emotional investments.  I can also see where I made such a deep investment that I was blinded by my desires...not reality.

I know I am human and there are ups and downs; however, I am not going to leave things as they are.  I am going to take the initiative to be more who I want to be and make less excuses for my actions (or lack there of).  If I cannot look myself in the mirror honestly about a situation, then I have not given it my all.

This also has to do with my relationship with God.  I would love to say that it is where I want it to be...or where it once was...  sadly, it is not.  I remember a time when all I wanted to do was to be in church, was on my knees (bible in hand) crying out to Jesus in prayer, or giving sound spiritual advice with the knowledge that it was God-lead advice.  It has been a long time since I was honest about myself with the reality of those situations.  Man, I was driven by my faith.  It was AWESOME and amazing.  I am not there now.  I could make every excuse in the world as to why...but they are excuses.  I love my God!  I love who He made me. I love that I listened to him so deeply that I didn't question anything.  I have taken my relationship with God for granted...  I know everyone says that, but I truly have.  I know God.  I love God.  But, I show others something different than what is really going on.  I HATE that feeling.  I feel like I am cheating/lying to everyone.  I HATE THAT!

So, the awakenings in me are all about me being honest with myself, my God, and others.  No, I do not have to "confess" my sins to them...that is not what I am talking about.  I am talking about using all I have within me to make an impact in this world...in my life...and letting God take the glory for it.  I am saying that I will have great intentions for the actions I make...steps I take.  I will be mindful of my words and actions while making sure that I remain who I am...who I want to be...who HE wants me to be.

I know who I am to some extent.  I am not saying that I will change to be like "the best christian", but I am saying that I will not be scared to live my life...and I will allow Him to move me.

I don't want to feel like anything is being "forced" in my life...I want to be honest about all of it.  I tend to put on a smile where fear and tears might be lurking...while I use that as a way to protect myself, I also use it to cover up and hide.  I don't want to hide.

I have always been an outspoken person...and most people would tell you that I am.  However, that is not the case.  I can be.  But, not about something that could make others upset with me or make me "upset" depending on their response.  I tend to just hide.  For example, I felt like there was something up with my boss and me the other day.  I have felt that way for a long time.  "Scared me" would have just worried about it every time I saw him or thought about having to talk to him.  He is a great boss and, to my knowledge, he has never had a problem with me.  But, just the way he seemed around me, made me wonder if something was "up".  I sure wouldn't want him to tell me "yes" if I had asked him if there was a problem...so I would have just worried...and wondered...and been scared.  However, I sucked it up and asked.  I was relieved when he told me that he had no issues with me...just that there was a lot of stress right now.

On a typical day, I am a weak person.  I have been told I am strong...and truth be told, I know I have had to be strong in some moments...I don't think that makes me a strong person.  I see a strong person as someone who has overcome things in their life and made decisions that make an impact.  Maybe that is me...but I know that I am not the picture of strength.  I am trying...I want to be strong in my convictions...I want to be strong in this life.  I want my children to see me as a picture of strength.  I got my strength tattoo to remind myself that I have had to have strength, that I want to be strong, and that strength will be necessary in my life.

With all of this being said, the shortened version of this post is that I want my days, hours, and minutes to be intentional.  I don't want to wonder "what if" because I didn't or did do something that mattered.

The beginning of my awakening and being intentional is "feeling" my emotions...and acting on them with the understanding that I could get hurt.  But, the way I see it, is that in life you have to be intentional with everything even with the risk.  If it is worth your emotional attachment, then it is worth the risk.  Imagine what the outcome could be.

I don't want to continue to be the girl that is depending on everyone else for accountability in my actions.  I don't want to keep saying "remind me to..." or "help me to do..."  I want to be intentional with my actions and accountable.  It could be painful.  But, to be real with myself is to be honest with my intentions...to give answers without hesitation and feel the emotion behind them even if I don't like it.

I don't want to live a "maybe life" with mediocre happiness.  I want to live MY life and know that the emotions felt could impact me in many ways.  It could suck...it could mean my depression gets worse...but it could mean LIVING.

After writing this post, it almost seems like I am preaching about "how great my life is with God", but that isn't where I am intending to go.  He is part of it because I love Him and want the life I could only hope to have that comes with happiness when walking with the Lord.  But, in all honesty, I have told people that I would pray or have prayed for them when I didn't...I haven't opened my Bible in a LONG time (I have used electronic versions though)...I haven't been to church since Christmas...I pretend to be a "better" christian than I am.  I'm attempting to be done with that.

I am putting all of this "out there" knowing I will be judged and could lose things/people that mean a lot to me.  However, if I am being honest with myself, I don't want people to "know" me one way when my mind, heart, and actions dictate another.  I can only hope that those people reading this will see that I am human...that they will love me despite my flaws and know that I am a work in progress.

I know longer want to wonder what my family and friends think of me...I want to know already because who I really am is also who I am showing everyone else.

Who am I?  Well, I think I am a loving, caring person who has passions for those who cannot do for themselves and educating others.  I have a strong mindset when I have decided upon something.  I hate hurting others.  I would like to think that if I asked my husband if I was those things, that he would honestly answer "yes"...and that I am an inspiration to others because of my thoughts or actions.

Here is the other awakening...if I have let you in, you are mine...my friend...possibly one of my BEST friends...not an acquaintance.  Some of my best friends I NEVER talk to...but they and I know where we stand.  Some of my best friends I haven't talked in a long time to due to a falling out that was my fault or caused by my actions.  I can count on one hand the people that I have let close enough to be my "best friend"...and no matter what would still consider them my best friend.  However, I have many people that I "let in"...  My best friends are the ones who can call no matter what...even the ones I had a falling out with, I would do everything in power to help them out.  To be honest, most of my friends I would do that with.  This has really go me thinking about how I see my friends.  If I wouldn't do everything in my power to help them out...then, are they really a "friend"?  Hmmm...  Is it possible to have friends that are situational?  Like friends you only talk to at work or at church?  I guess so...but, I am not liking the way this is processing through my head.  Would that make them acquaintances?  What makes someone a friend?  What makes someone more than a "situational" friend?  Anyway...

If you have stayed with me through all of this...thanks!  I am just rolling with the thoughts in my brain...

I just want to be who I am with people who know and love me for me.  I used to feel like I was this really happy person.  I smiled all of the time...even when I was upset.  I am not seeing that person in me right now, but I am working on it.

Here is to living your life intentionally!  Make choices that make you happy and that stem from who you really are.  Even the hardest choices can be made for the right reasons...often that is the case.

Here are some quotes to ponder:

“You've gotta dance like there's nobody watching,
Love like you'll never be hurt,
Sing like there's nobody listening,
And live like it's heaven on earth.” 
― William W. Purkey

“Life is an opportunity, benefit from it.
Life is beauty, admire it.
Life is a dream, realize it.
Life is a challenge, meet it.
Life is a duty, complete it.
Life is a game, play it.
Life is a promise, fulfill it.
Life is sorrow, overcome it.
Life is a song, sing it.
Life is a struggle, accept it.
Life is a tragedy, confront it.
Life is an adventure, dare it.
Life is luck, make it.
Life is too precious, do not destroy it.
Life is life, fight for it.” 
― Mother Teresa

“To laugh often and love much; to win the respect of intelligent persons and the affection of children; to earn the approbation of honest citizens and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to give of one’s self; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to have played and laughed with enthusiasm and sung with exultation; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived—this is to have succeeded.” 
― Bessie Anderson Stanley

“This life is what you make it. Not matter what, you're going to mess up sometimes, it's a universal truth. But the good part is you get to decide how you're going to mess it up. Girls will be your friends - they'll act like it anyway. But just remember, some come, some go. The ones that stay with you through everything - they're your true best friends. Don't let go of them. Also remember, sisters make the best friends in the world. As for lovers, well, they'll come and go too. And babe, I hate to say it, most of them - actually pretty much all of them are going to break your heart, but you can't give up because if you give up, you'll never find your soul mate. You'll never find that half who makes you whole and that goes for everything. Just because you fail once, doesn't mean you're gonna fail at everything. Keep trying, hold on, and always, always, always believe in yourself, because if you don't, then who will, sweetie? So keep your head high, keep your chin up, and most importantly, keep smiling, because life's a beautiful thing and there's so much to smile about.” 
― Marilyn Monroe

“Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.” 
― Dr. Seuss

“Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.” 
― Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.” 
― George Bernard Shaw