Life...and the collision continues

I am going to have to take a good step back from my current view due to the extreme amount of sadness and depression that I am currently feeling.

I cannot change the way that my mind it taking things in.  I cannot change the way that my heart or head responds to them.  But, I do know that I have spent the better half of the last week wanting to do nothing but sleep and cry.  Today has been the worst.

I don't know how to explain how I feel other than I feel lost in a continuum of life...without the ability to feel any of it...or over feel it.  My stress levels appear to be maxed out, but I know I have experienced more stress than I currently have.

Fortunately, my "lost-ness" has allowed S to step forward in an effort to "make it all better".  It has been good seeing that side of him again.  I miss it...him...

Here are the random thoughts going on in my head...  no order
school
money
taxes
gas
bills
moving
frustration
alone
empty
unhealthy
fat
unsuccessful
target
failure
sadness
hopeless
lack of faith
falling away
anger
confusion

Of course, each one of those has a story with them.  Those stories really fill out the thoughts.

school: uncertainty of a job for next year, evaluations, PRAXIS, teaching, drive, frustrations with some events that I have to sit back and watch or that I have made change happen.

Each one of those thoughts looks like the above.

Moving...while we have our own space- we do not have privacy- I am constantly a daughter to my father...and I get treated/talked to as such.  I know he loves me, but if I don't want to do anything over the course of a weekend...I'm an adult and can do that.  I don't want to hurt him, but I want to be the adult I have been (on my own) since I was 17.  Let me be me, a wife, and mom without input...unless asked.  It really does make me feel like less of a person having stuff like that over my head.

loneliness...I feel as though all my friends are gone.  I don't know what I ever thought that I have more...or needed more.  S is my best friend and I love him for it.  But, feeling alone doesn't make all go away.  I feel like I have lied to myself about friendships...

I guess the best way to put it would be true depression...and yet, I still have to look the picture of "it's all okay".

I care too much...and now I cannot care at all.

I don't need advice...I just needed to vent.