It has been a while, and a lot has happened with me personally, internally. I am dealing with it...and making progress...slowly...in my own way. But, a little progress is still progress. I am working on various areas that only I can work on. I have come to realize that I cannot change certain situations and can only make other situation better by my choices/decisions. I type this today as this is what I feel today...I know this always...but may not always feel that the situation allows me to feel that way. Confusing probably.
The areas that I am working are everything from my work to my weight... self confidence, eating, personal appearance, happiness, spiritual life, being more true to what I need/want/who I am/etc., friendships, being real, etc. I have just come to realize that in order for me to have any kind of happiness I have to find it...even in the little things. Most recently, I am finding my happiness in my attire (wearing things that make me feel good or represent things I love...my ball teams, skulls, patterns, etc.), watching football, or just taking more of a leadership role at work. By finding that happiness I am also feeling more confident! Which, in turn, leads to more happiness.
As for my body/self-confidence/weight/etc: this has been an area I have struggled with for many years of my life. There is a part of it that I don't talk about much to many people...that area has gotten worse in the last few months. HOWEVER, I am working on it. It had gotten worse as my depression got worse. I have been running/walking more. This one act has lead to body changes that have lead to a better self image. I like that. :) I also joined WW...although I am not following it like I should...again, it goes with the area I have struggled with previously. I don't like the points that are allowed for the day. Food is not my friend right now... But, I am working on it! If I have shared this with you, you know what I am talking about. If not, please don't ask. I will share more as I feel comfortable.
One of the areas that I have created the most distance in is with my spiritual life. Not that I no longer believe in God or anything close to that...just that I am struggling the most with Him right now. I do not need any comments on this. If you want to pray about it...please do. I know where I need to be...what need to do. And, I also know that He is there/here with me. He knows what I am struggling with. He lets me know and see Him. I am just not in a place where I want to "speak" to Him right now. I am angry about many things in my life that I don't understand. I don't feel that I have to explain them to anyone...but I am just putting it out there. I have chosen not to step foot in my church or opened my Bible in quite some time.
I love being a mom and wife...but my kiddos are older now, and I cannot let that be all that defines me. That is a hard reality when that is what has basically defined you for nearly 15 years.
Something I have had to come to grips with is that fact that I am who I am...all of me. I am not going to share all of me with everyone...layers, people. BUT, know that what I say it truth. If I share it...it is me. If I trust you enough to share it...know that I am letting you in...you are a part of me.
Since I was on here last, Summer Break has come and gone and school has started back. I have taken some of my Praxis Tests and passed with flying colors...more to come though. S has spent some more time in the hospital, but attempting to make progress with med changes and such. C is now in 8th grade and cheer is in full swing. A is in high school and all that it entails...and he just had a birthday (14)! The next 2 weeks will finish out the rest of our birthdays.
Oh...and we got a dog. Yeah, what were we thinking...lol But, we love him!!! We rescued him. His name is Kato! The thought is that he would be great for S...but he is a puppy and all that goes with that.
All of this is totally random and pieced together...if you have stayed to read all of this, thanks!!!
Much love!
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