I feel as though I have neglected you...my blog...over the last week or so. Not that I haven't wanted to sit down and write my thoughts, moods, life, etc. but that I REALLY haven't had a spare moment! So, I shall begin with a quick update!
First...I got a job! Doing the thing I love the most with what I have at the moment. I am going to be a Special Education Educational Assistant! YAY! :) Being that I wan to be a Special Education Teacher, this is the perfect job for me until I get my degree. It is even in the type of Special Education that I want to work in...yes, there are different types.
Second, family life has been SOOOOOOO crazy. I love it, I just have NOOO time! I am sure you all know how that feels!
Third, Has anyone been bathing suit shopping lately?! IT SUCKS!!!! I am not exactly a size 2 and God gave me this things on my chest that aren't flat...so that means that bathing suit shopping is not going to be good! However, I had spent SEVERAL hours looking/ trying on suits and was given a reality check at how my body looks. Oh! It was not pretty! I was ready to cry! BUT! and there is a but! I ended up finding the PERFECT suit! It is a tankini with skirt bottoms. It fits me where it needs to and makes things not look so bad. Best part about the suit is that it started off at $100 and I got it for $32 w/tax. YAY!!!! However, the fact that I have boobs is always going to cause me issues. (I HATE THAT!!)
So, now that is all up to date... I have a question: Does a woman ever become completely satisfied with her body? And if so, how does that happen? I mean I have curves and don't necessarily hate them, I am just not as toned as I would like. I know exercise will help, but that would require me having the time and wanting to move during that time. I am not a "big" person (I am only a size 10) but I have been cursed (yes I said cursed) with boobs...and they ALWAYS seem to be an issue! They seem proportionate to my body sometimes and other times it is like I am carrying two huge boulders on my chest! WTH?
That is all for now as I contemplate what we will be doing this weekend! Have a good one! :)
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Monday, June 15, 2009
Moody Monday!
Now that the weekend is over...reality has come back into play! I woke up in a pissy mood and am feeling VERY sad. I have no idea why!
I know I am not the only one who has those days!?!?
The morning started out slow as my niece and nephew aren't here yet (due to a doctors appt). C is getting her tutoring session right now and A is still chilling in the bed. S is at work (where I am sure he is having a GREAT time *note sarcasm*).
However, while some areas are slow...my mind is racing with worry and to dos!
We still own a house where we used to live and my FIL is the one renting it from us...but he hasn't paid us in 2 months *insert excuse as to why is hasn't been paid*...so needless to say our bank is thinking foreclosure. And the bad part is that he is on a rent-to-own agreement with us for the house...so advice is needed here on all of this. I already called about an eviction and that is the next step, but I hate going through all of this!
Then I worry about what is going to happen next with the house and I have bills that I need to get paid today. So, I guess that is where my moodiness is coming from.
Is it ever okay to just explode sometimes? Cause that is something I feel like I need to do...right about now!
Maybe it will get better as the day goes on...maybe I will hear some good news today...about something...anything!
I know I am not the only one who has those days!?!?
The morning started out slow as my niece and nephew aren't here yet (due to a doctors appt). C is getting her tutoring session right now and A is still chilling in the bed. S is at work (where I am sure he is having a GREAT time *note sarcasm*).
However, while some areas are slow...my mind is racing with worry and to dos!
We still own a house where we used to live and my FIL is the one renting it from us...but he hasn't paid us in 2 months *insert excuse as to why is hasn't been paid*...so needless to say our bank is thinking foreclosure. And the bad part is that he is on a rent-to-own agreement with us for the house...so advice is needed here on all of this. I already called about an eviction and that is the next step, but I hate going through all of this!
Then I worry about what is going to happen next with the house and I have bills that I need to get paid today. So, I guess that is where my moodiness is coming from.
Is it ever okay to just explode sometimes? Cause that is something I feel like I need to do...right about now!
Maybe it will get better as the day goes on...maybe I will hear some good news today...about something...anything!
Wild Weekend
Well...I had hoped to get a lot of stuff done on Friday so I would have nothing to do but a quick clean up and get ready on Saturday morning. THAT did not happen.
Then Saturday rolled around and I had a massive cleaning to do and get ready before some of the peeps showed up around 1. Only half of that happened. I got up around 5 and started cleaning and cooking stuff. My vacuum broke and I fiddled with that for a while. Then about 8:30 I went to the grocery stores and my mom called to say that she wanted me to bring my kiddos over to her house by 10...ummm we'll see cause I was grocery shopping at the time and they were still asleep when I left. So...I arrive home at about 10:15 and get the kiddos ready...it was about 11 when we finally got to my moms house.
Once back home there were still things I needed to get done and I was still unshowered for the day. My SIL and BIL arrived around 12:30 or so and I needed to still take the trash. So once they arrived we left and took it and then when we got back people had already arrived. GREAT! I was still unshowered!
FINALLY...I get showered and ready...all while my guests wait in the living room. Once I was mostly dressed I invited the girlies back to chat while I finished getting ready. We had some fun chit-chat and girl time.
We all then ran to the store to finish some quick shopping for beer and other stuff.
The Party was officially started! I had a BLAST! Drank too much (for me...I am a lightweight though) and ate too little (2 hamburgers all day)...which eventually left me sick after everyone left. I spent time with great friends and family...even made some new friends. There really wasn't any down side to the night. I was just going to have a good time and not worry about anything! And I didn't!
Then on Sunday we got up and went and ate breakfast. We then headed out to my mom's boat for a fun-filled day out on the pontoon where we swam and tubed! I laid out and didn't worry about anything...for the second day in a row! I like that feeling! Although, I am sun-burned!
So, to re-cap...the weekend was fun and relaxing!
Then Saturday rolled around and I had a massive cleaning to do and get ready before some of the peeps showed up around 1. Only half of that happened. I got up around 5 and started cleaning and cooking stuff. My vacuum broke and I fiddled with that for a while. Then about 8:30 I went to the grocery stores and my mom called to say that she wanted me to bring my kiddos over to her house by 10...ummm we'll see cause I was grocery shopping at the time and they were still asleep when I left. So...I arrive home at about 10:15 and get the kiddos ready...it was about 11 when we finally got to my moms house.
Once back home there were still things I needed to get done and I was still unshowered for the day. My SIL and BIL arrived around 12:30 or so and I needed to still take the trash. So once they arrived we left and took it and then when we got back people had already arrived. GREAT! I was still unshowered!
FINALLY...I get showered and ready...all while my guests wait in the living room. Once I was mostly dressed I invited the girlies back to chat while I finished getting ready. We had some fun chit-chat and girl time.
We all then ran to the store to finish some quick shopping for beer and other stuff.
The Party was officially started! I had a BLAST! Drank too much (for me...I am a lightweight though) and ate too little (2 hamburgers all day)...which eventually left me sick after everyone left. I spent time with great friends and family...even made some new friends. There really wasn't any down side to the night. I was just going to have a good time and not worry about anything! And I didn't!
Then on Sunday we got up and went and ate breakfast. We then headed out to my mom's boat for a fun-filled day out on the pontoon where we swam and tubed! I laid out and didn't worry about anything...for the second day in a row! I like that feeling! Although, I am sun-burned!
So, to re-cap...the weekend was fun and relaxing!
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Nervousness...not needed
As a follow-up to my last post...The lump is still there...DUH! He was finally able to pull it up on the ultrasound and that is good because now he can see it. He wants me to come back again in 3 months and if it is still there then he will biopsy it.
So, now I can get back to the preparation for the PAR-TAY!
So, now I can get back to the preparation for the PAR-TAY!
Nervousness
Well, yesterday's high is followed by today's nervousness. I have doctor's appointment today and all of the fears of what he could say are now haunting me.
This is no regular appointment. It is a follow up to an appointment from 3 months ago. It is with a breast specialist about a lump I found. His thoughts (and my hopes) were that the lump I found in my right breast was just hormonal and would go away when my monthly cycle passed...Well, 3 months later it is still here...slightly bigger and more jagged.
This lump is kind of weird...it didn't show on a mamo or ultrasound, but I made sure I let everyone feel my breast to reassure that I wasn't going crazy...It is definitely there. When the doc looked at it, he had some concern, but it was more about how it would be removed as you cannot see it with medical equipment (It is because, if I am doing it or it involves me, it is going to be weird and messed up..LOL!) He went over 3 scenarios with the hubby and I.
1) Removal guided by medical instruments (mammo or ultrasound) -but since it can't be seen he ruled it out.
2) Self guided removal- he would place his hand on the lump and go in and remove it that way. -Again he ruled it out as he hasn't SEEN it and doesn't want to chance anything.
3)Excision- this was the option he said we would have to go with, but he doesn't want to do that as it is MAJOR surgery and would require LOTS of recovery time (and who has time anymore?)
SOOOOOOO, now we are to the reason I am nervous...well...because the lump ISN'T gone like he thought it would be and has, in fact, gotten larger (slightly) and has changed in shape. So, will he say, "Oh, well it needs to be removed and option 3 is what we are going with". Or is he going to try and run more tests? I am okay with the tests though!
On a positive note, I have NO family history of breast cancer (or really any cancer for that matter). I am also young and for the most part (until recently) relatively healthy.
Maybe this will show (whether good or bad) why my body has been doing weird things for the last couple of years...that is for another post.
Another big fear is for my daughter. She already has to worry about Ovarian Cancer because that is what her Nana had, and I don't want her to have to worry about this too (if it were cancer). With both cancers being from the same genetic mutation, if I had it there would be almost a 100% chance of her getting one or both of the cancers.
And then to top it all off...my hubby most likely won't be able to make it to the appt...STUPID WORK! My mom wants to go with me (which is great...LOOOONG story...yes I have mom issues), but she really feeds on drama to a point. When I went and had my test run before my SIL came with and she kept me positive and didn't let me think bad thoughts...she is actually my babysitter today (Thanks!)...so I won't have her wittiness with me...but I am sure we will be texting! The reason my mom is going instead of SIL is due to the fact that my mom kind of laid a THICK guilt trip about SIL going last time and not her.
So, it a LOOONG drawn out post I have now laid my thoughts about the doctors appointment today! On the plus side of things, I have a (second) job interview tomorrow and when she called it was just to say when, where, what time, with who, and that it is very casual. *excited*
AND, if I do have to have surgery...ALL of my medical deductibles are already met due to another surgery earlier this year! WOOOHOOO! Come on...that is something to be excited about!
This is no regular appointment. It is a follow up to an appointment from 3 months ago. It is with a breast specialist about a lump I found. His thoughts (and my hopes) were that the lump I found in my right breast was just hormonal and would go away when my monthly cycle passed...Well, 3 months later it is still here...slightly bigger and more jagged.
This lump is kind of weird...it didn't show on a mamo or ultrasound, but I made sure I let everyone feel my breast to reassure that I wasn't going crazy...It is definitely there. When the doc looked at it, he had some concern, but it was more about how it would be removed as you cannot see it with medical equipment (It is because, if I am doing it or it involves me, it is going to be weird and messed up..LOL!) He went over 3 scenarios with the hubby and I.
1) Removal guided by medical instruments (mammo or ultrasound) -but since it can't be seen he ruled it out.
2) Self guided removal- he would place his hand on the lump and go in and remove it that way. -Again he ruled it out as he hasn't SEEN it and doesn't want to chance anything.
3)Excision- this was the option he said we would have to go with, but he doesn't want to do that as it is MAJOR surgery and would require LOTS of recovery time (and who has time anymore?)
SOOOOOOO, now we are to the reason I am nervous...well...because the lump ISN'T gone like he thought it would be and has, in fact, gotten larger (slightly) and has changed in shape. So, will he say, "Oh, well it needs to be removed and option 3 is what we are going with". Or is he going to try and run more tests? I am okay with the tests though!
On a positive note, I have NO family history of breast cancer (or really any cancer for that matter). I am also young and for the most part (until recently) relatively healthy.
Maybe this will show (whether good or bad) why my body has been doing weird things for the last couple of years...that is for another post.
Another big fear is for my daughter. She already has to worry about Ovarian Cancer because that is what her Nana had, and I don't want her to have to worry about this too (if it were cancer). With both cancers being from the same genetic mutation, if I had it there would be almost a 100% chance of her getting one or both of the cancers.
And then to top it all off...my hubby most likely won't be able to make it to the appt...STUPID WORK! My mom wants to go with me (which is great...LOOOONG story...yes I have mom issues), but she really feeds on drama to a point. When I went and had my test run before my SIL came with and she kept me positive and didn't let me think bad thoughts...she is actually my babysitter today (Thanks!)...so I won't have her wittiness with me...but I am sure we will be texting! The reason my mom is going instead of SIL is due to the fact that my mom kind of laid a THICK guilt trip about SIL going last time and not her.
So, it a LOOONG drawn out post I have now laid my thoughts about the doctors appointment today! On the plus side of things, I have a (second) job interview tomorrow and when she called it was just to say when, where, what time, with who, and that it is very casual. *excited*
AND, if I do have to have surgery...ALL of my medical deductibles are already met due to another surgery earlier this year! WOOOHOOO! Come on...that is something to be excited about!
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
PAR-TAY
This weekend we are having a party. We are having this party for many reasons...my graduation, house-warming, and summer fun with friends and family. I am SUPER excited about this party. Why? you might ask. Well...if you have read anything that I have previously posted, you will see that I have a constant struggle with who I am...DUH! that is what this whole blog is about. This party is a joining of all the versions of who I am and who I want to be.
There will be the friends I have known almost my whole life and who know me probably better than I know myself. Then, there will be my "Franklin Friends" who only saw me in the mother/"good Christian woman" role. Next, there is my family...some who know me for me and love me that way (you know who you are :) ) and some family who want to see my flaws and call them out to make themselves better (kiss my ass). Then there is my hubby and "his" friends...they have become my friends too.
SOOOOO, this is kind of a "mix it all together and see what you get" party...that is why I am excited. I am going to be ME! YAY! I am going to have some drinks and food and PAR-TAY with those who love me for me...and if they don't...well...it sucks, but then that would mean they didn't love ME to begin with!
However, it is also a little scary as I hope that people will see that I am just me and not think that I was trying to be something at one point in time or another that I'm not. I am just trying to be me!
Hmmmm...this has inspired me to write a "Who I Am" list and see what pops up! Random...I know!
There will be the friends I have known almost my whole life and who know me probably better than I know myself. Then, there will be my "Franklin Friends" who only saw me in the mother/"good Christian woman" role. Next, there is my family...some who know me for me and love me that way (you know who you are :) ) and some family who want to see my flaws and call them out to make themselves better (kiss my ass). Then there is my hubby and "his" friends...they have become my friends too.
SOOOOO, this is kind of a "mix it all together and see what you get" party...that is why I am excited. I am going to be ME! YAY! I am going to have some drinks and food and PAR-TAY with those who love me for me...and if they don't...well...it sucks, but then that would mean they didn't love ME to begin with!
However, it is also a little scary as I hope that people will see that I am just me and not think that I was trying to be something at one point in time or another that I'm not. I am just trying to be me!
Hmmmm...this has inspired me to write a "Who I Am" list and see what pops up! Random...I know!
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Tired...
On a side note...
I have started watching my niece and nephew. It is only for the summer...to save my sister some money on Daycare and to help me out durig the summer since I wouldn't have been working.
My nephew is only 9 weeks old. He is soooo sweet and beautiful! My niece is 5 and will start Kindergarten in the fall. She is so smart and funny!
However, I have been so worn out since I started watching my nephew (niece just started this week). Things seem to be getting busier. After tomorrow my kiddos will also be home.
I have made out a weekly schedule and a daily one. I have also made menus for breakfast, lunch, and snack. I have also planned a daily school lesson to help them retain what they learned from school. Yes, it is the teacher coming out in me...maybe a little of a control issue also...LOL!
Anyway, I forgot what it is like having a baby around. He is great...no complaints, but they are just VERY needy. For that reason...I am very, VERY tired!
I have started watching my niece and nephew. It is only for the summer...to save my sister some money on Daycare and to help me out durig the summer since I wouldn't have been working.
My nephew is only 9 weeks old. He is soooo sweet and beautiful! My niece is 5 and will start Kindergarten in the fall. She is so smart and funny!
However, I have been so worn out since I started watching my nephew (niece just started this week). Things seem to be getting busier. After tomorrow my kiddos will also be home.
I have made out a weekly schedule and a daily one. I have also made menus for breakfast, lunch, and snack. I have also planned a daily school lesson to help them retain what they learned from school. Yes, it is the teacher coming out in me...maybe a little of a control issue also...LOL!
Anyway, I forgot what it is like having a baby around. He is great...no complaints, but they are just VERY needy. For that reason...I am very, VERY tired!
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
30 Will Be My Year!
I will turn 30 this year and have often thought that my struggls with "who I am" where related to the fact that I am no longer a young "20 something" and not quite a 30 something. But, this weekend I was given a revelation..."30 will be your year". I know that doesn't sound like much, but now I am excited...it is almost as if I have a chance to begin being something more than a label...mom, wife, student, teacher...what about the label of being ME? Why do we need labels anyways?
As I sat and pondered with my SIL (she is the one who handed me my revelation), I was really unrolling what was floating around in my head. I am now kind of saying how I feel (in certain circumstances of course as I would NEVER want to hurt anyone), but then as I sat there I was faced with the fact that I have allowed myself to be invisible to everyone. While I stand up for myself, I have allowed people to disrespect me. Why? Heck, I have no clue. To be honest, there are only a few people that I truly trust to never hurt me...I know never is a strong word, but I am sure you get the point.
I have family members that would be so pleased to make me feel less than them...is it because they are jealous? I have never looked at it that way. Is it because I have placed them at a higher value than I place myself... DING DING DING. So, if I recognize that then why do I continue to let them so those things. Most likely because I don't want to turn into them.
It really does feel like I am free to be me. I want to be me...30 will be my year. Although, I am not waiting on it to get here because I am not wasting one more day of who I am to make someone else happy!
As I sat and pondered with my SIL (she is the one who handed me my revelation), I was really unrolling what was floating around in my head. I am now kind of saying how I feel (in certain circumstances of course as I would NEVER want to hurt anyone), but then as I sat there I was faced with the fact that I have allowed myself to be invisible to everyone. While I stand up for myself, I have allowed people to disrespect me. Why? Heck, I have no clue. To be honest, there are only a few people that I truly trust to never hurt me...I know never is a strong word, but I am sure you get the point.
I have family members that would be so pleased to make me feel less than them...is it because they are jealous? I have never looked at it that way. Is it because I have placed them at a higher value than I place myself... DING DING DING. So, if I recognize that then why do I continue to let them so those things. Most likely because I don't want to turn into them.
It really does feel like I am free to be me. I want to be me...30 will be my year. Although, I am not waiting on it to get here because I am not wasting one more day of who I am to make someone else happy!
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