Sometimes...

*This post is a rant and completely random. It is just for me to get off of my chest.*

Sometimes, I wish strength wasn't a trait I possessed. I don't mean physical strength, but emotional strength. I have had to have strength about so much in my life that it becomes overwhelming.

I know that most see it as a good quality, but sometimes I wish that others didn't see/know my strength. I wish that sometimes I could just be a girl and cry. Sometimes, I just want to not carry the burdens of others...another trait I sometimes wish I didn't possess. Not because I don't want to, but because sometimes I overwhelm myself and forget about me.

Sometimes I want to be able to get so mad that I hate people (only for a second). Sometimes, I want the world to stop just so I can cry in that moment. Sometimes...sometimes...sometimes.

You know, strength is only as good as it is in that moment. Strength is relative. Strength means so many different things to so many different people.

Sometimes I want to just say what is on my mind to the person it is meant for, instead of being afraid of hurting them...or them hurting me back.

Sometimes, I want to actually feel the love that others say they have for me. Sometimes, I need to be held/hugged/loved on/kissed without being the one to initiate it. Sometimes, I want to quit, but I can't...too many people depend on me.

I often think about how blessed I am...as many others do not have the things/people that I have in life. Then, I think that I am selfish in wanting certain things.

Sometimes, I want to runaway from it all...

I guess sometimes is not going to happen...

Changes = :(

I feel like I have so many good things that are happening in my life, but yet, I seem to be concentrating on the stress. So much is changing...or has changed.

I have recently taken on a new TEACHING position...WOOOHOOO!!!

But, there is so much chaos with that...putting a classroom together...getting things organized...meeting everyone I will work with...paperwork...etc.

I have to go back to school in January to start my practicum because I chose to forego student teaching. It will be a year long practicum.

We are moving...our lease is up, but my mom has asked us to move in with them to help offset some of their bills and to reduce ours. They previously lived with my Mema...and they still live in her house, but my Mema is really sick and will not be coming back home. This move has caused me the most stress recently. This is due in=part with the fact that S does not want to move in with them. The great thing about us moving is that the house we are moving into has 3 bedrooms and two bathrooms. It also has an apartment...which is where my mom lives. The only shared space will be the kitchen.

I have so much on my mind...I can't even out it all out "there". Not that there is anything wrong or bad, but that my mind is so full.

All of this stuff has me feeling the worst I have felt in a long time...on the plus side, they upped my meds and i haven't had any rise in my migraines. Only 5 this past month. They were all in a little over a weeks time...thinking it might be due to my cycle.

I want to feel connected with S like we have been previously. I want him to feel better, but I want our relationship back where it has previously been. I know that him feeling better will allow for progress...and I know that he lacks the ability, currently, to have a say in that progress, but I want it so bad for him...and me...and the kiddos.

Why can't things in life be a little easier sometimes? Why does pain have to cut so deep? Why do I not have all of the answers? LOL

Prayers

For privacy purposes those in this post will remain unnamed, aside from one...

A couple of weeks ago some of our closest friends experienced something that one should never have to experience, the loss of a child. It was extremely unexpected as she was just shy of 21 weeks pregnant. I cannot express into words the emotions that have come from this horrific tragedy.

We have a very close, small group of friends. This group is actually really involved in each others lives. This pregnancy was announced to all of us at the same time while on a camping trip this summer. It was excitement for each and everyone of us. We were all excitedly awaiting the reveal of the sex when we got another type of life altering information. This beautiful child was already gone...

After an intense couple of days and a "team" of people at their beck and call, our friends delivered their beautiful little girl, Faith. Then they had to think about the "now what" questions.

I love these people dearly, as well has their baby girl. While my heartache comes nowhere near the pain our friends have felt/are feeling, I am hurting...for them and her.

I have constantly prayed for them since this happened, but especially for my dear friend, the mom. Tears have been shed for them, their loss, Faith, the hope for their future, etc.

Tonight, I sent her an email of things that I felt had been laid on my heart by God. Songs of healing and hope were sent her way, as well as, letting her know that I am here no matter what...or when. One of the songs that has been previously shared with her was Blessings by Laura Story. It is a beautiful song. However, tonight I shared several others, Perfect Peace by Laura Story was one of them.

I feel like there is more I should/could do, but I have no idea how. I know prayer is a way of helping, but part of me wants to take the pain from them...just to give them some relief.

So, early this morning, I am asking that when you speak with your God, please say a prayer for my friends and their beautifully, perfectly made daughter, Faith. I will pray that God will help you to know what their specific needs are.

L, you are truly loved and prayed for!

I leave you with this beautiful song by Brandon Heath- Love Never Fails You