My head is full of realizations and complete randomness right now. I think I finally figured out what this struggle in my head is about. It is trying to fit my ideals of what a certain image is supposed to look like. For example:
The perfect mom is supposed to be put together at all times and "have it together".
The late 20-something/early 30-something woman is supposed to be fun and living life to the fullest but with the "utmost maturity".
The perfect wife has dinner ready when hubby comes home, the kiddos bathed, and the house clean all the time.
The Best Christian is not supposed to cuss, drink, think dirty thoughts, or be outside of a box.
Now obviously I can never be perfect, but where do I fit into all of this. I know I can't be the only woman/person that struggles with these issues.
I have never been secure in myself...for whatever reason. But I see these women and I think I would like to be that way or this way. I know, that is them and not me...the point is I want that little piece I see.
I would LOVE to be a fashionista with the most perfect kiddos and husband, the nice big house with not a care in world...who has that...no one. I realize that. I just want to be secure in who I am, but I need to figure out who that is and what that means. How to I gather the little pieces from each of these situations above and place them within me and be happy with that person?
Oh, I would also love to be about 20 lbs lighter...but we can all have dreams...LOL.
I feel like I am complaining, but I promise I'm not. I am content with my life, just not with me.
I want the friends that I can sit down and joke with, or have a glass of wine (or any other drink), maybe go out to dinner with or a club if that is what we feel like doing. Not out partying, but just being comfortable with who we are and what we are doing. I get tired of people who are fake...but I am not the same way...to an extent. There are maybe 2 people that I have known in my whole life that know the real me...again the layers peel off as I get to know someone. Funny things is that I am not ashamed (anymore) of the things from my past (I thank God for the trials and triumphs), so I don't have a hard time talking to anyone about them. My issue is those are the things that I am comfortable discussing...it is the inside stuff...the feelings that I have issues with showing.
Then there is the whole getting walked all over thing...yes...I know it is happening when it happens...I am just allowing it. Why? Because it puts me in a place of control...the other person thinks I don't have a clue, when all the while I know exactly what is going on. funny...maybe this all boils down to control. I mean I know I have issues with control, but I never realized until recently how much I NEED to be in control!
Anyways...enough rambling tonight. Maybe more tomorrow. :) I promise I am not insane...just trying to figure out this crazy life one day at a time! Night!
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Monday, May 25, 2009
Who Am I?
As I sat here and figured out that I wanted to blog more and then made my blog look all *pretty*, I was reminded of many things that humans face. Things that we most likely choose to do or place ourselves in certain circumstances for "xyz". For example, I know that I constantly place outrageous expectations on myself, but why? Who am I trying to impress...cause in all honesty the only people that matter are Shawn and the kiddos.
Then it causes me to want to look deeper within myself to find out who I am and try to separate me from being mom and wife....I know...they are all the same person, but are they? I was me first then a wife, then a mom. Then it is a struggle within about specific situations...cussing, drinking, certain friends, movies, music, etc.
Who am I trying to impress? What for? Why?
Like I have stated on here before there are many things I like and don't like...often they don't fall into the typical mom/wife/*christian* role. Who set up what the standards are? Why do they get to say so?
I realize that based off of the profession I have chosen that certain behaviors aren't acceptable in the classroom or even public where I would be seen as an example and role model. Teachers aren't exactly supposed to be covered in tattoos or have weirdly colored hair, but there are many other ways to express who I am without being over the top. Tattoos can be placed in unseen places, hair can be dyed within reasonable parameters.
I guess I am the girl/woman that seems one way on the outside but as you get to know me I let layers peel away and reveal that I am a rock/punk music lover, with at desire to have a drink every now and then. I am someone who likes to be different to a point. I have to fully understand a subject to grasp it. I wanna be high-maintenance without all the fuss. I am a mix of elegance and class with punk and out of control. I like girly things, but don't mind getting dirty ;p!
The music I listen to is contemporary Christian. It fills me up when I need it and there are so many genres of music within in that title that I hear everything from gospel to punk rock and rap. One of my favorite musicians right now is Francesca Battistelli. She is amazing nad her songs teach me life lessons. Here is a song that goes with how I am feeling right now:
Free To Be Me
At twenty years of age
I'm still looking for a dream
A war is already waged for my destiny
But You've already won the battle
And You've got great plans for me
Though I can't always see, 'cause...
I got a couple dents in my fender
Got a couple rips in my jeans
Try to fit the pieces together
But perfection is my enemy
And on my own I'm so clumsy
But on Your shoulders I can see
I'm free to be me
When I was just a girl
I thought I had it figured out
See my life will turn out right
And I'll make it here somehow
But things don't always come that easy
And sometimes I would doubt, 'cause...
And you're free to be you
Sometimes I believe
That I can do anything
Yet other times I think
I've got nothing good to bring
But You look at my heart and you tell me
That I've got all You seek
And it's easy to believe, even though...
And you're free to be you
Then it causes me to want to look deeper within myself to find out who I am and try to separate me from being mom and wife....I know...they are all the same person, but are they? I was me first then a wife, then a mom. Then it is a struggle within about specific situations...cussing, drinking, certain friends, movies, music, etc.
Who am I trying to impress? What for? Why?
Like I have stated on here before there are many things I like and don't like...often they don't fall into the typical mom/wife/*christian* role. Who set up what the standards are? Why do they get to say so?
I realize that based off of the profession I have chosen that certain behaviors aren't acceptable in the classroom or even public where I would be seen as an example and role model. Teachers aren't exactly supposed to be covered in tattoos or have weirdly colored hair, but there are many other ways to express who I am without being over the top. Tattoos can be placed in unseen places, hair can be dyed within reasonable parameters.
I guess I am the girl/woman that seems one way on the outside but as you get to know me I let layers peel away and reveal that I am a rock/punk music lover, with at desire to have a drink every now and then. I am someone who likes to be different to a point. I have to fully understand a subject to grasp it. I wanna be high-maintenance without all the fuss. I am a mix of elegance and class with punk and out of control. I like girly things, but don't mind getting dirty ;p!
The music I listen to is contemporary Christian. It fills me up when I need it and there are so many genres of music within in that title that I hear everything from gospel to punk rock and rap. One of my favorite musicians right now is Francesca Battistelli. She is amazing nad her songs teach me life lessons. Here is a song that goes with how I am feeling right now:
Free To Be Me
At twenty years of age
I'm still looking for a dream
A war is already waged for my destiny
But You've already won the battle
And You've got great plans for me
Though I can't always see, 'cause...
I got a couple dents in my fender
Got a couple rips in my jeans
Try to fit the pieces together
But perfection is my enemy
And on my own I'm so clumsy
But on Your shoulders I can see
I'm free to be me
When I was just a girl
I thought I had it figured out
See my life will turn out right
And I'll make it here somehow
But things don't always come that easy
And sometimes I would doubt, 'cause...
And you're free to be you
Sometimes I believe
That I can do anything
Yet other times I think
I've got nothing good to bring
But You look at my heart and you tell me
That I've got all You seek
And it's easy to believe, even though...
And you're free to be you
Summer, Summer, Summertime!
In the last several weeks I have found myself quite bored. Now that I have graduated (at least from the 2 year college) this is the first time in 2 years that I haven't had school work to do. due to that fact, I have been quite bored...even to the point of taking up reading! With Summer right around the corner I am faced with many realities:
1. My son will soon be entering into the double-digits in terms of his age.
2. I am at least half way though my college career.
3. My hubby and I will have our 10 years anniversary in July.
4. My hubby and I will both be 30 in September.
5. I am convinced that bathing suits weren't made for people who have had children...LOL!
This summer I am babysitting my niece (5) and nephew (8 weeks old). This is very exciting for me! I have already made out a weekly schedule and daily routine, along with daily menus! WOOOHOOO!!! I am ahead of the game! Now, obviously, my nephew won't be partaking in any of the events.
I actually look forward to my kiddos being out of school! I love sleeping late and getting to do absolutely nothing...as much as possible!
Bring in the sun! I am ready for Summer!
1. My son will soon be entering into the double-digits in terms of his age.
2. I am at least half way though my college career.
3. My hubby and I will have our 10 years anniversary in July.
4. My hubby and I will both be 30 in September.
5. I am convinced that bathing suits weren't made for people who have had children...LOL!
This summer I am babysitting my niece (5) and nephew (8 weeks old). This is very exciting for me! I have already made out a weekly schedule and daily routine, along with daily menus! WOOOHOOO!!! I am ahead of the game! Now, obviously, my nephew won't be partaking in any of the events.
I actually look forward to my kiddos being out of school! I love sleeping late and getting to do absolutely nothing...as much as possible!
Bring in the sun! I am ready for Summer!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)