Sometimes...

*This post is a rant and completely random. It is just for me to get off of my chest.*

Sometimes, I wish strength wasn't a trait I possessed. I don't mean physical strength, but emotional strength. I have had to have strength about so much in my life that it becomes overwhelming.

I know that most see it as a good quality, but sometimes I wish that others didn't see/know my strength. I wish that sometimes I could just be a girl and cry. Sometimes, I just want to not carry the burdens of others...another trait I sometimes wish I didn't possess. Not because I don't want to, but because sometimes I overwhelm myself and forget about me.

Sometimes I want to be able to get so mad that I hate people (only for a second). Sometimes, I want the world to stop just so I can cry in that moment. Sometimes...sometimes...sometimes.

You know, strength is only as good as it is in that moment. Strength is relative. Strength means so many different things to so many different people.

Sometimes I want to just say what is on my mind to the person it is meant for, instead of being afraid of hurting them...or them hurting me back.

Sometimes, I want to actually feel the love that others say they have for me. Sometimes, I need to be held/hugged/loved on/kissed without being the one to initiate it. Sometimes, I want to quit, but I can't...too many people depend on me.

I often think about how blessed I am...as many others do not have the things/people that I have in life. Then, I think that I am selfish in wanting certain things.

Sometimes, I want to runaway from it all...

I guess sometimes is not going to happen...

Changes = :(

I feel like I have so many good things that are happening in my life, but yet, I seem to be concentrating on the stress. So much is changing...or has changed.

I have recently taken on a new TEACHING position...WOOOHOOO!!!

But, there is so much chaos with that...putting a classroom together...getting things organized...meeting everyone I will work with...paperwork...etc.

I have to go back to school in January to start my practicum because I chose to forego student teaching. It will be a year long practicum.

We are moving...our lease is up, but my mom has asked us to move in with them to help offset some of their bills and to reduce ours. They previously lived with my Mema...and they still live in her house, but my Mema is really sick and will not be coming back home. This move has caused me the most stress recently. This is due in=part with the fact that S does not want to move in with them. The great thing about us moving is that the house we are moving into has 3 bedrooms and two bathrooms. It also has an apartment...which is where my mom lives. The only shared space will be the kitchen.

I have so much on my mind...I can't even out it all out "there". Not that there is anything wrong or bad, but that my mind is so full.

All of this stuff has me feeling the worst I have felt in a long time...on the plus side, they upped my meds and i haven't had any rise in my migraines. Only 5 this past month. They were all in a little over a weeks time...thinking it might be due to my cycle.

I want to feel connected with S like we have been previously. I want him to feel better, but I want our relationship back where it has previously been. I know that him feeling better will allow for progress...and I know that he lacks the ability, currently, to have a say in that progress, but I want it so bad for him...and me...and the kiddos.

Why can't things in life be a little easier sometimes? Why does pain have to cut so deep? Why do I not have all of the answers? LOL