Does the searching ever end?

I often find myself wondering if the journey to finding ones self ever ends. I guess at one time I knew who I was and then life changed, and I took on the role that was needed and then the cycle began. So, do you ever really know who you are? If so, how do figure that out?

Here I am, 2 in the morning, can't sleep, and pondering these questions.

I often question where that girl went that was so strong and independent. The one who made up her mind about something and went full force without hesitation. The one who knew what made her happy and sad. The girl who took charge and tried her hardest to make a difference...if but for no one other than herself.Where did she go? Is she still here?

While watching the movie Hope Floats tonight, "Berdie" pondered much of the same questions. I know I am strong...I think? I think I have taken on the role of who others want me to be and lost myself in the process. It sucks! I mean, I love being a wife and mom...I wouldn't trade it for the world! But, how can I expect to give them all of me if I have NO IDEA who that is.

I could sit here and cry...where did I go? Who am I now? Who was I before? Before what?

I feel like I am caught in between being young and being the "mommy and wife"...if that makes any sense. I want to be who I am, but I want to be wanted by my husband...and to tell the truth...my husband likes the young me better...dying my hair every weird color out there, body piercings, "cool". And while I like those things I also think there is a time to move past some of that...or maybe there is just a time and a place and I never have the time or the place.

I see all these tv shows about women in their late 20's early 30's living it up and having a great time...I wan to be that girl...but how? How do I be her and me at the same time? What if my husband doesn't love the "real" me...then what?

So, does the searching ever end? How does it even begin?

Ch, ch, changes....

Life has really changed since the last time I blogged... dang I need to get better at this thing!

We have move! Now, I know that doesn't seem like life has really changed, but man it has. Everything changed when we moved. Not only did we move to another city (I guess it would be my home town) all of our schedules changed... I am waiting to hear about subbing...which obviously means that I am not working right now...just school. The kiddos school schedule changed as they now start school an hour earlier than they did, which then in turn changes bedtime and those routines. Shawn is about 1/2 hour closer to work so I know he loves that.

As for school...I am in my last semester at Vol State and then on to trying to get into a Teacher Ed program. This semester has by FAR been the roughest. I will be glad when it is done!

Now, with all of the updates done...what to talk about?

Well, I have recently hit a bit of a bump in my marriage, but they happen and all wil be fine. Although, it has really awakened me to a lot of things.

With moving I have had to find another church. I had many thoughts on this subject. What kind of church did I want to go to? Did I want it to be a Baptist church or non-denominational? How many people? What kind of music program? What kind of kids programs?

Well, after looking at this one church I think I found what I wanted...not as many people as I thought I would want to have. Not as big of a choir, but the music is great! It is a Baptist church. Seems as contemporary as I wanted it! So, I think I like it!

I guess I am skating over the real reason that I started this blog and that was to find a me...not a new or better me...just me. I know I am in there and I am still seeking to find me. With what has gone on with my marriage I realized that I needed to find out who I am and the reasons that some things are the way that they are. So, that is what I am doing.

I am going to use this board as an outlet of sorts to maybe find all of this out. I know that I am tired of just being a mommy...not tired of being a momy...just tired of that seeming to be my only label. I want to enjoy also being a woman and a wife. I want to find out what it is like to have that kind of relationship with my husband...not just a mommy. I guess I am seeking to find new and great relationships...not outside of the people I know...just knew relationships with them. I would like to have relationships with my girlfriends where at the end of a long week we sit down over some wine and dinner and talk it all out. Or the relationship with my husband where we have dates again...man I miss those.

I have also found in my move that those friends that might have been previously blogged about (I can't remember) I no longer talk to. Maybe one or two, but I knew who my true friends were long before I moved.

I want this page to be my voice, when I feel like I don't have one. I no longer want to sit on the sidelines and get stomped on or trampled over. I have a voice and while I never what to hurt anyone...I also can no longer keep it bottled up!

I wish life was a little easier to figure out...I guess if it was we wouldn't need faith.