I am not good at sharing my feelings/ thoughts. I live in a constant fear of being judged. This is probably because for myself I never thought that I have lived up to whatever expectation that has been set out for me. For example, I remember being in High School and my father asks me what I want to go to college for, I replied a lawyer. He says, you aren't smart enough. So...there went that idea. Growing up I had 3 things that I wanted to choose to be. 1.) Teacher 2.) Nurse 3.) Lawyer I am just now going back to school to be a teacher. With me subbing this year I have gotten a really good idea of what being in a classroom will be like. I am excited about it. However, I am really ready to do it now and not have to wait to finish school. All of the formalities stink!
Back to the judgement thing. Because I live in constant fear of being judged I do two things. The first is I make sure that I don't judge others. I truly do really try and like everyone. Who you used to be doesn't mean that is who you are now. I also think that "judging a book by it's cover" is wrong. I go to a very conservative church and I walked in one Sunday with JET BLACK hair. (I am normally a blonde.) The gasps I heard from across the room really startled me. Also, it was like people thought that I was someone different (worse) than they perceived me to be. The second thing I do because of the fear I live in is I try to be the person I think they think I am. What sense does that make? Over the last few months, maybe even a year I have really tried to not do that...sometimes it is just second nature.
I guess the thoughts that go through my head is...
What if I am not who they think I am...will they still like me?
What if they know the real me?
Will they think I am unintelligent?
What if they knew my past...would it matter?
I don't think I am fraud or a fake, but I do think that I am more worried about pleasing others than I am pleasing myself. There is really only one time in public that I am truly me...all of me. When I am praising God. I don't care who is around or what they think of me. It is between me and God. Why can't I think that way all of the time? Why does everyone else matter? Why do I make them so important?
I have become more myself by not hiding me, but then it seems as though I get knocked down as soon as I reveal some of me. I then just think...well if I didn't want to hear what they had to say then why did I say it out loud?
Sitting here reading all of this I had a bit of a revelation. I am afraid of failure! I am afraid of not being good enough. I am afraid I am going to let down my husband and children. I am afraid I am going to let myself down. I am afraid of failing as a wife and mother. I need confidence. It is kind of funny that I said that because I had a friend of mine tell me that not to long ago...she was talking about me singing, but I am talking about my life in general. Also, because I am a passive person I think that people who have aggressive personalities smell my fear and can't wait to knock me down a few steps, and I think people with a similar personality as me might see me a weak.
I used to be (as a teen) fun and independent. Of course being married I am very dependent on my husband, but I am not seeing myself as a very independent person anymore. I also used to be a fighter and I guess about some things I still am. I thought I was strong...not so much now. Maybe my problem is self talk. There is a lady at my church that says the worst thing you can have is negative self talk. I would agree, but how do you change that?
I know this post is all over the place, but it is just some random thoughts that are flowing through my mind. The next posts will be more subjective.
The picture is a representation of one of the layers covering me falling off. I hope I get to the real me soon. I have to remember that He sees the real me, broken from within hiding is my skin. He will unveil me if I let him! (Words taken from Natalie Grant, The Real Me)
As I go to sleep tonight I will pray that all who read this will be blessed in more ways than they can imagine. Lord, I pray tonight that you will heal the sick and wounded. I pray that you will reveal yourself to those who don't know you. Father, be with those who are struggling. All of these things I ask in my Saviors name. AMEN!
