First off, I am so grateful for the wonderful and wise words from Laura. They along with those closest to me have made a huge difference in my life over the past two weeks. It has pulled me closer to God and myself. THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!
Now...something that is near and dear to my heart. This week our lives were smacked with a really big dose of reality. As some may know, my husband has suffered with some mental health issues for a LONG time. To the point that he hasn't been able to work in over a year. He has been seen by many mental health physicians over the years, but they could never quite pin point what the issues were...they could only see bits and pieces.
Well, after having been seen almost weekly by the same doctors for over a year, they have formally diagnosed him with Bipolar II with psychosis and severe anxiety. Basically, he suffers from more severe depression than mania...but he has psychotic tendencies (hearing voices, seeing things, feeling thing, etc) much like someone with schizophrenia would do just not to that extent. Then, you have is anxiety. Most days he is too afraid/anxious to come out of the bedroom...much less the house.
His depression has caused many procedures to take place in our home...meds locked up, weapons put away, etc. He has self-harmed and been suicidal, but it IS getting better...I have to believe that. However, if you know anything about Bipolar Disorder then you know it is a minute by minute and day by day thing.
On the other side of all of this, I see our son starting to display some (a lot) of characteristics of depression. We are in the process of starting counseling...he has started soccer back, so I know that will help, but he is also doing some of the "relieving the pain" behaviors that aren't good. Along with him not eating, disconnecting from us, sleeping all the time, etc.
So, I say all of this to make the point that there needs to be more awareness brought to Bipolar Disorder. There is such a stigma behind it...I HATE IT!
My next tattoo will look like this...
It will be on my right inside wrist bone...maybe an inch and a half big.
I haven't been on in while due to a TON of stuff going on in my life...in many areas. And, because this is a blog (even though it is my blog) I just haven't wanted to put all of my personal stuff out there. I know I can hide...or block it, but I told myself, when I started this blog, that I would not do that...this is mine and mine alone. It is my space to be me... Very few of my friends/family know this blog exists because I want to be me without their commentary or judgement. Due to what has gone on, I have "hidden" from my blog to keep from causing others pain or hurt by speaking about it. I kind of feel like I have cheated myself in that area. That is what a blog is for...not to cause pain, but to be your own space. I want to be "the real me" in my spot.
I often come to this song: The Real Me by Natalie Grant
Foolish heart looks like we're here again Same old game of plastic smile Don't let anybody in Hiding my heartache, will this glass house break How much will they take before I'm empty Do I let it show, does anybody know?
[Chorus:] But you see the real me Hiding in my skin, broken from within Unveil me completely I'm loosening my grasp There's no need to mask my frailty Cause you see the real me Painted on, life is behind a mask Self-inflicted circus clown I'm tired of the song and dance Living a charade, always on parade What a mess I've made of my existence But you love me even now And still I see somehow But you see the real me Hiding in my skin, broken from within Unveil me completely I'm loosening my grasp There's no need to mask my frailty Cause you see the real me Wonderful, beautiful is what you see When you look at me You're turning the tattered fabric of my life into A perfect tapestry I just wanna be me But you see the real me Hiding in my skin, broken from within Unveil me completely I'm loosening my grasp There's no need to mask my frailty Cause you see the real me And you love me just as I am Wonderful, beautiful is what you see When you look at me
Here is the video:
This song resonates in my head...the real me...letting people in...taking off my mask...
Most recently, I have come to know a lot about truth, trust, and complete honesty; parts that make up "the real me". I often think about others feelings in most everything I do. Part of that means that I will not do/say something because of pain that I thought it might cause. Some issues that have taken place in my life recently have to do with me saying/doing something that hurt another person(s). It was done totally without prior thought to the pain (or other emotions) it could cause, but was just me being me. I am not sorry about it...I am sorry about the emotional downfall it cause.
I have a heart that cares a lot about people...how they feel, what they think, what they do...but in a manner that is totally heart led. All this has taught me that maybe thing aren't what they seemed to be and maybe (no, I know for sure) that I wasn't being me...the whole me.
I have learned that I can't please everyone and that life is to be lived. When I tell someone that I love them, I mean it. If you are my friend, you are my friend for life...I don't ever count on it ending...even if does sometimes. If I let you "in"...you are "in"... I don't trust easily due to things in my life that have hurt me, but I try.
As I write this post, I am still holding back...not being completely me. This has all caused so much emotional turmoil.
Why am I holding back?! Why am I worried?! Why am I fearful?! Why do I chose NOT to be the real me? Why am I what I see the real me as, and it still not be what makes me feel good? Why can't I just be blunt and honest and not worry?
It makes me so angry at myself...
Does anyone else have this picture of who they think they are or want to be vs who they really are or want to be?
For example, I know a lot about myself in terms of what I like, what I am like and who/where I would like to be. I am a Christian...LOVE IT. Although, I guess maybe I am not a "good enough" Christian in what my stereotype is...but I have no idea what that stereotype is. I guess I see it as a: prays day and night, reads the bible seeking advice on everything, fits in a perfect little box with a pretty pink bow on top, perfect hair, perfect clothes, etc.
ME: Loves Contemporary Christian music, skulls, tattoos, songs that make me feel good no matter the lyrics, a glass of wine (or two), punk rock music, cussing, rebelling, piercings, teaching, "classy but yet comfortable" attire, reading the bible when I remember to do so, lacking in devoted prayer time about anything and everything, other things that I am sure I would be looked at "un-Christian-like" about.
I hate the judgement that I feel in this area...not that anyone has said anything about my Christianity, but the thoughts that are implied by cleverly spoken words.
It is also like me being a teacher. It seems that there is little box that teachers are supposed to fit in, and while I love teaching, I DO NOT fit that mold...so to speak. Again, I LOVE tattoos and piercing (something that is very much frowned upon in the teaching world). I love skulls and being different...something looked own upon. I just want to be me. I guess I just have to be the best variation of me while still staying true to who I am. I have the tattoos...they just don't make an appearance at school. :)
I know that my God loves me, and he knows my thoughts and who I am...the real me. So, the question is...why can't I allow everyone to see the real me? Why do we (I) hide?
Casting Crowns has a song that, for me, explains my thought process...maybe
"Stained Glass Masquerade"
Is there anyone that fails Is there anyone that falls Am I the only one in church today feelin' so small
Cause when I take a look around Everybody seems so strong I know they'll soon discover That I don't belong
So I tuck it all away, like everything's okay If I make them all believe it, maybe I'll believe it too So with a painted grin, I play the part again So everyone will see me the way that I see them
Are we happy plastic people Under shiny plastic steeples With walls around our weakness And smiles to hide our pain But if the invitation's open To every heart that has been broken Maybe then we close the curtain On our stained glass masquerade
Is there anyone who's been there Are there any hands to raise Am I the only one who's traded In the altar for a stage
The performance is convincing And we know every line by heart Only when no one is watching Can we really fall apart
But would it set me free If I dared to let you see The truth behind the person That you imagine me to be
Would your arms be open Or would you walk away Would the love of Jesus Be enough to make you stay
I am such a music/lyric person...it speaks to me and makes sense when nothing else does.
Maybe I need to stop thinking of what "perfect" is, and start being me...the real me...stained and all.
To change the subject in a way...I have been more in God's word lately. More than I normally am and it makes me very proud of myself. It is mostly due to situations around me, but nonetheless He is calling me to his word...in daily life and in prayer.
Due to the above-mentioned stuff, I got a new tattoo last week. It represents a whole lot of stuff and will carry me through future stuff.
There is much more going on in my life (for a few other posts), but I am going to end this total randomness. I hope that if you read this you get to know me a little better (and that I don't run you off).
