I decided to watch church this morning online... it was about my very struggle... He knows what I need. Anyways, watch it. It is amazing what Michael talks about. His faithfulness never fails. Am I ok with Him loving me through my struggles and not helping me? He will show up on time...not when I want Him to. If you get a chance...watch:
http://www.thegladechurch.org/watch/live
Much love!
Sunday, September 1, 2013
What's up?!
It has been a while, and a lot has happened with me personally, internally. I am dealing with it...and making progress...slowly...in my own way. But, a little progress is still progress. I am working on various areas that only I can work on. I have come to realize that I cannot change certain situations and can only make other situation better by my choices/decisions. I type this today as this is what I feel today...I know this always...but may not always feel that the situation allows me to feel that way. Confusing probably.
The areas that I am working are everything from my work to my weight... self confidence, eating, personal appearance, happiness, spiritual life, being more true to what I need/want/who I am/etc., friendships, being real, etc. I have just come to realize that in order for me to have any kind of happiness I have to find it...even in the little things. Most recently, I am finding my happiness in my attire (wearing things that make me feel good or represent things I love...my ball teams, skulls, patterns, etc.), watching football, or just taking more of a leadership role at work. By finding that happiness I am also feeling more confident! Which, in turn, leads to more happiness.
As for my body/self-confidence/weight/etc: this has been an area I have struggled with for many years of my life. There is a part of it that I don't talk about much to many people...that area has gotten worse in the last few months. HOWEVER, I am working on it. It had gotten worse as my depression got worse. I have been running/walking more. This one act has lead to body changes that have lead to a better self image. I like that. :) I also joined WW...although I am not following it like I should...again, it goes with the area I have struggled with previously. I don't like the points that are allowed for the day. Food is not my friend right now... But, I am working on it! If I have shared this with you, you know what I am talking about. If not, please don't ask. I will share more as I feel comfortable.
One of the areas that I have created the most distance in is with my spiritual life. Not that I no longer believe in God or anything close to that...just that I am struggling the most with Him right now. I do not need any comments on this. If you want to pray about it...please do. I know where I need to be...what need to do. And, I also know that He is there/here with me. He knows what I am struggling with. He lets me know and see Him. I am just not in a place where I want to "speak" to Him right now. I am angry about many things in my life that I don't understand. I don't feel that I have to explain them to anyone...but I am just putting it out there. I have chosen not to step foot in my church or opened my Bible in quite some time.
I love being a mom and wife...but my kiddos are older now, and I cannot let that be all that defines me. That is a hard reality when that is what has basically defined you for nearly 15 years.
Something I have had to come to grips with is that fact that I am who I am...all of me. I am not going to share all of me with everyone...layers, people. BUT, know that what I say it truth. If I share it...it is me. If I trust you enough to share it...know that I am letting you in...you are a part of me.
Since I was on here last, Summer Break has come and gone and school has started back. I have taken some of my Praxis Tests and passed with flying colors...more to come though. S has spent some more time in the hospital, but attempting to make progress with med changes and such. C is now in 8th grade and cheer is in full swing. A is in high school and all that it entails...and he just had a birthday (14)! The next 2 weeks will finish out the rest of our birthdays.
Oh...and we got a dog. Yeah, what were we thinking...lol But, we love him!!! We rescued him. His name is Kato! The thought is that he would be great for S...but he is a puppy and all that goes with that.
All of this is totally random and pieced together...if you have stayed to read all of this, thanks!!!
Much love!
The areas that I am working are everything from my work to my weight... self confidence, eating, personal appearance, happiness, spiritual life, being more true to what I need/want/who I am/etc., friendships, being real, etc. I have just come to realize that in order for me to have any kind of happiness I have to find it...even in the little things. Most recently, I am finding my happiness in my attire (wearing things that make me feel good or represent things I love...my ball teams, skulls, patterns, etc.), watching football, or just taking more of a leadership role at work. By finding that happiness I am also feeling more confident! Which, in turn, leads to more happiness.
As for my body/self-confidence/weight/etc: this has been an area I have struggled with for many years of my life. There is a part of it that I don't talk about much to many people...that area has gotten worse in the last few months. HOWEVER, I am working on it. It had gotten worse as my depression got worse. I have been running/walking more. This one act has lead to body changes that have lead to a better self image. I like that. :) I also joined WW...although I am not following it like I should...again, it goes with the area I have struggled with previously. I don't like the points that are allowed for the day. Food is not my friend right now... But, I am working on it! If I have shared this with you, you know what I am talking about. If not, please don't ask. I will share more as I feel comfortable.
One of the areas that I have created the most distance in is with my spiritual life. Not that I no longer believe in God or anything close to that...just that I am struggling the most with Him right now. I do not need any comments on this. If you want to pray about it...please do. I know where I need to be...what need to do. And, I also know that He is there/here with me. He knows what I am struggling with. He lets me know and see Him. I am just not in a place where I want to "speak" to Him right now. I am angry about many things in my life that I don't understand. I don't feel that I have to explain them to anyone...but I am just putting it out there. I have chosen not to step foot in my church or opened my Bible in quite some time.
I love being a mom and wife...but my kiddos are older now, and I cannot let that be all that defines me. That is a hard reality when that is what has basically defined you for nearly 15 years.
Something I have had to come to grips with is that fact that I am who I am...all of me. I am not going to share all of me with everyone...layers, people. BUT, know that what I say it truth. If I share it...it is me. If I trust you enough to share it...know that I am letting you in...you are a part of me.
Since I was on here last, Summer Break has come and gone and school has started back. I have taken some of my Praxis Tests and passed with flying colors...more to come though. S has spent some more time in the hospital, but attempting to make progress with med changes and such. C is now in 8th grade and cheer is in full swing. A is in high school and all that it entails...and he just had a birthday (14)! The next 2 weeks will finish out the rest of our birthdays.
Oh...and we got a dog. Yeah, what were we thinking...lol But, we love him!!! We rescued him. His name is Kato! The thought is that he would be great for S...but he is a puppy and all that goes with that.
All of this is totally random and pieced together...if you have stayed to read all of this, thanks!!!
Much love!
Sunday, June 2, 2013
Just a thought...
What if I cannot do ALL of this anymore? I am feeling defeated, alone, angry, frustrated... And, I cannot cry... I will lose it, if I do. I have turned away from my faith in some ways... I want to scream that it is not fair...
Just, what if I cannot do it anymore?
Just, what if I cannot do it anymore?
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